2012 Predictions from the Anal Oracle

Expert Analasses from Gram

As you are doubtless aware, I am an intensely spiritual person. You will never see me without a bag of runes, my ephemeris at the ready, reeking of patchoulli. That is why I place great stock in the first porn DVDs to arrive each year, as they alone can predict the future of this business.

It just so happens that the first two DVDs to greet me in 2012 were West Coast Productions’ “Juicy White Anal Booty! 6” and “Monster Wet Anal Asses.”

You might say, “Grams, not only does each of these movies feature the same cover pose, but both also share 60 percent of the female cast. Also, do you really need ‘booty’ and ‘asses’ when you’ve already got ‘anal’?”

My reply would be as it has always been: How dare you question porn?

Where the untrained eye only sees similarities, I see myriad differences.

"Monster Wet Anal Asses"

First, Phoenix Marie is both clothed and sassy in “Monster Wet Anal Asses,” whereas Ms. Briella Bounce is topless yet possessed of a less-accessible backwards glance. Is it because she hasn’t been pre-moistened?

"Juicy White Anal Booty! 6"

Also, you’ll notice that “Juicy White Anal Booty!” has an exclamation point whereas “Monster Wet Anal Asses” does not. Why? You don’t need an exclamation point when you’ve already said “Monster,” and white girls are always using exclamation points what with their constant text messages and blogs.

It is not well known that some women with big asses do not take it in the ass. This is why the distinction must be drawn between “anal” and “asses” and “booty.” Some women just flaunt their big asses but restrict them to Exit Only status. Thus, West Coast Productions needs to assure us that, yes, the asses of Phoenix Marie and Briella Bounce are Open for Business.

So what can we glean from these tea leaves? Simply this: Fleshy white women are pointing their asses at you, but you need to check with them first to make sure they are anal asses, and not merely vaginal asses.

  • Buy “Monster Wet Anal Asses” here
  • Buy “Juicy White Anal Booty! 6” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Importing “Harlots” from the Czech Republic; Phoenix Marie makes it easy to follow the rules
See also: West Coast Productions

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

1 Comment

  1. It’s sometimes far worse than all that, I’m afraid, Gram. I am the shame-faced owner of Pandemonium’s “These Bitches Do Anal,” whose title, as any lawyer will tell you, is technically non-committal as to the content of the actual footage on the DVD. The packaging, though, does go on to describe the product prominently both as the “Anal Edition” and “100% Anal” (I’ve yet to find the non-Anal Edition of this work). Three of the six scenes do feature anal intercourse with 100% of the female performers therein. One of the remaining three scenes presents one of two “bitches” engaging in anal intercourse, which, as we all know, is *not*–due to an industry-wide conspiracy–sufficient to disqualify the overall work’s “100% Anal” status. One of the remaining two scenes displays, giving the benefit of the doubt, three seconds of purely external digital anal stroking of the female by her male costar, and nothing further that could conceivably be construed as “anal” anything. Finally, the female in the sixth and final scene does, indeed, have an anus, which can clearly be made out on the video, but any penetrating or even stimulating done thereto during this scene must be assumed to have happened on a purely telekenetic level.

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