50 Shades Times 140: A Kinky Tweet Contest

sssh50-50 shades
Remember how, fearing Cat Stevens might kill Salman Rushdie, you purchased “The Satanic Verses”? Or that trip you took to recover Skylab souvenirs in Australia, or when you adopted Elian Gonzalez? Well, now you can own a piece of a cultural phenomenon and all you have to do is tweet.

You know how to tweet, don’t you? You just put your lips together, and … damn it. That’s not tweeting; that’s siphoning gas from a stolen car.

Anyway, my good friends at Erotic Scribes and Sssh.com: Porn for Women are running an ingenious Kinky Tweet contest in which the creator of the sexiest tweet will win all three volumes of the “50 Shades of Grey” collection, signed by millionaire author E.L. James herself. If you’re like me, you were not aware that there was a trilogy (I’m Jewish that way), but in addition to the original “50 Shades of Grey,” there is also “50 Shades Darker” and “50 Shades Freed.”

The challenge is to tell a kinky story in a single tweet, using the hashtag #Sssh50. Contestants have more than one chance to win, as each tweet using the #Sssh50 hashtag counts as a separate entry. Tweet submissions will be accepted through February 22, 2015 at midnight EST. The winner will take home an author signed copy of the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy.

“We’re giving fans a chance to have some fun and use their creativity for a shot at winning a memorable prize,” says Angie Rowntree, owner of Sssh.com. “Using Twitter as the medium makes it something people can participate in easily. At the same time, the platform requires contestants to be clever and efficient in order to tell their story in short bursts.”

My sexual interests do not lean too far BDSM-ward. I like “Say Anything,” women between five feet and six feet tall who look like they can comfortably bear my children even if I aim at their hair, who can make me laugh. That’s all I want. Yes, I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a doomsday cult — but a classy one — and am not into the whole awakening someone through bondage idea. I’m happiest with women who are sadder but wiser who are as grossed out by the notion of Clamato as I am. So that’s where Grams is coming from. The line forms on the right, Dear.

But it is undeniable from my trips to Costco and the airport that people from all walks of life love the “50 Shades” concept and, even if I found the book to be horribly written and a narrative derivative of much better works, who am I to argue against fame? WHO AM I?

Here is my virgin entry: The ropey volley arced off her collarbones. She was a ship I was to board and an English muffin I was to butter. “Tonkin,” she said.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Two Cups, “9 and 1/2 Weeks”; Gentleman Collar — Ernest Greene’s masterful “Master of O”
See also: 50 Shades Contest (sssh.com)

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