AVN 2009: The only numbers you can trust

Number of times it took Stormy Daniels, equipped with oversized ceremonial scissors, to cut the ribbon opening the 2009 AVN Adult Entertainment Expo: 4
Amount of times Jesse Jane’s body would likely fit into that of her husband, if the latter were hollowed out: 4
Number of minutes prior to the closing of the red carpet that Jenna Haze arrived: 10
Rank of strippers, Internet models, and video porn stars in lack of clothing on convention floor: 1, 2, 3
Amount of time, in minutes, it took award-nominated performers seated in Mandalay bleacher seats to realize they were not going to win an award: 30
Amount of time, in minutes, following that realization that I saw them at a party four miles up the Strip with their pants around their ankles: 30
Number of people in TT Boy’s red carpet entourage: 12
Number in Flavor Flav’s: 4
Number in Mark Spiegler’s: 11
Percentage increase, since last year, of MMA fighters on the red carpet: 100
Rank of Thea Vidale’s handler and Syd Blackovich as most striking women on red carpet: 1, 2
Number of times I ate at the Ellis Island Casino and Restaurant this year: 1
Number of times I ate at the Ellis Island Casino and Restaurant last year: 7
Rank of Gastric Horror as a Result of Chicken Fried Steak in determining that decrease: 1
Good, according to hygiene-conscious performer Jack Lawrence, that hand sanitizer does: 0

Number of items Courtney Cummz signed for a single fan: 13
Percentage of Jenny Hendrix’ body that was adorned with pink things: 78
Number of awards won by “Pirates II: Stagnetii’s Revenge”: 15
Number won by “Texas Vibrator Massacre”: 0
Ratio of decrease, in square feet, of space taken up by Vivid booth to decrease, in percentage, of exhibitors at Adult Entertainment Expo: 1:1
Time elapsed, in minutes, between thinking my media badge was stolen or lost to discovering it was in my other pants: 45
Amount of people I asked for a replacement during this time: 4
Amount who flouted regulations by giving me a replacement: 0
Amount of people walking red carpet in first half hour: 5
Amount walking in final half hour: 67

First year documentation exists of adult industry professionals saying “I would be surprised if there was an AVN Expo next year”: 1997
Number of years since Ginger Lynn, now performing in Cougar movies, won her Best New Starlet award: 24
Percentage of Best New Starlet winners still appearing in adult movies: 35
Percentage of Best New Starlets from this decade no longer appearing in adult films: 40
Ratio of Consumer Electronics Show attendees interviewed to AEE attendees interviewed who said they would “probably not” go to their convention next year: 4:1