A BJ for Effort: Fellatio makes the heart grow fonder

{The following story first appeared a year ago, but we revisit it because blowjobs remain one of the lowest-paying porn sex acts despite the fact that they require the greatest skill from the female performer.}

Because I am America’s Beloved Porn Journalist, I am sometimes asked for sexual advice, if not favors, from women. It is a perk of the job I take seriously.

It should be understood that I am not a sex blogger. I lead by example, you see, not thirst for power.

Some of my favorite sex writers working today are Nina Hartley, Carol Queen, Susie Bright, Jamye Waxman, Audacia Ray, Rachel Kramer Bussel, and Essin’ Em. They write well, know what they’re talking about and, most of all, have their hearts in the right place.

(I mention this because there are others whose writing seems to include a component of devouring their mate afterward or attacking their peers in the process of being “sex positive”; such predatory behavior is too often a symptom of the profession.)

Anyway, a dear friend of a dear friend asked me for some blowjob techniques, as well as recommendations of porn stars who did fellatio good, and that request ran right up against a feeling I have about porn versus real life.

Porn Sex Isn’t Real. When Jenna Jameson writes about “Making Love Like A Porn Star,” she underlines a logical fallacy; there is no lovemaking in porn videos, and couples who attempt piledrivers at home aren’t making love – they’re workout partners.

So my friend wants to know how she can improve her blowjob technique and my answer is:

• Make him dinner
• Make occasional eye contact
• Keep constant physical contact

There is nothing more arousing than availability and eagerness. Maybe Tiger Woods is being shamed into attending sexual addiction counseling, but I personally believe that his straying from his deliriously attractive wife had more to do with the blatant availability of his cocktail waitress and porn star dalliances. Most thesauruses list “cocktail waitress” as a synonym for “available,” after all.

And, well, Monica Lewinsky.

If you present a persona that he wants to dive into like a heated swimming pool, Miss X, he will come in your mouth with very little effort on your part.

Q. But Grams, aren’t you downplaying technique?
A. Yes I am, Martha Coakley, because sperm is like the One Ring: it wants to be found. Your partner doesn’t want you to just kneel there with a Clench Your Teeth And Think of England look on your face; he wants you to appear as if you are acting on a primordial seed-gathering compulsion, like Lisa Ann as Sarah Palin coaxing the oil up from Alaska’s vast wetlands. Attitude is everything.

It takes so little (dinner) to let him know that you are on his side. A nice dinner scene should be an essential part of any couples’ porn movie.

(Lisa Ann is here presented as giving both good blowjobs and only-good-for-porn blowjobs in the same movie: you should never, ever face away from your partner while giving a blowjob in real life.)

That said, you can’t go wrong with any porn star who knows the trick to a successful blow job (or sex scene in general) is to simply make eye contact now and then while maintaining constant tactile contact.

Finally, make sure you take out your Nicorette first.

• Blowjob scenes from Vivid’s “Sunny’s Big Adventure” and 3rd Degree’s “MILF Wars: Julia Ann Vs. Lisa Ann“

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: I fucked a sex blogger; Jean Piaget and Japanese fellatio; Today in blowjobs – porn is not an assisted living facility; Night of the “Night of the Giving Head”
See also: Nina Hartley, Jamye Waxman, Carol Queen, Audacia Ray, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Susie Bright and, though she doesn’t write about male fellatio to my knowledge, I also like Essin’ Em