It’s not often that I get a real insider scoop on anything in porn. But here’s one: Crack editor and notorious raconteur Acme Andersson is leaving AVN, effective in two weeks.
We instant messaged each other, and here’s the shit on AA’s new career path. Onward and upward, man.
Acme Anderson: Fats Domino is missing and I gave my two weeks.
Steve Ochs: Good for you, man… and they found Fats last night.
AA: Noooooooo! on Blueberry Hill?
SO: He’s fine. He was Walkin’ to New Orleans. HA HAHA HAHAHAA!! (but they did find him.)
AA: hot diggity.
SO: Can I interview you for Gram Ponante.com?
AA: whatcha gonna ask little ol’ Acme?
SO: Why are you leaving AVN?
AA: Mark Kulkis gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse, including lead roles in two of the next three 10 Man Cum Slams. And instead of a gray cube I’ll be seated on his casting couch at all times. Plus he’s throwing in free breakfast burritos on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
SO: Sweet! Will you make your mark by suggesting a 6-man creampie as opposed to the customary 5-man?
AA: Why, yes, I’m thinking of upping the ante, possibly even to 7-man creampies. Mmmmmm. Creampies….
SO: Will Mary Carey perform sexual favors for you?
AA: Actually, I saw the newly-skinny Mary yesterday and she looks better than ever. I checked out her breasts (still real) and her veneers (not real), as well as her nose while asking her how much her diet was costing her. She said she had cut back on her drunkeness and was keeping her nose clean. I was only able to confirm the latter, but the former also appears to be true. In regards to Mary performing sexual favors, I suspect it would be me who would have to perform for her. Now that I think about it, I do remember something about performing in the contract, but I only glanced at it briefly and figured it was in reference to the flock of dancing poodles I have been raising this summer. They do shows on the Venice Beach boardwalk every weekend. Shows start at 1, 1:15, 1:30 and 1:45. Depending on the crowds and how full of cash my hat is, we typically call it a day about then and eat corndogs the rest of the afternoon.
SO: Can you comment on who the biggest douche at AVN is?
AA: Biggest douche? I would have to spend more time in the Dan Miller Memorial Lavatory for access to that information, and that’s an assignment I refuse to take… You’re going to get me in trouble
SO: Nah… I won’t print anything you don’t want me to. Promise. Can I print the part about “you’re going to get me in trouble?”
AA: you probably should
SO: Do you think a line of gaping films that references a Hanna Barbera cartoon called Gape Ape would fly? Will you run that idea by Mark Kulkis so I can get rich, please?
AA: Being the world’s biggest fan of gape and Hanna Barbera, I have already written several scripts that are take-offs of their cartoons, including Gape Ape (with a cameo by Marty Ingels), Gapey Smurf and The Getsomes. Oh, and I have storyboards for a take-off of Wally Gator called, obviously, Bally Gator.
SO: Isn’t Paul Fishbein sort of an OK guy, even though you wouldn’t think he would be?
AA: Paul is a good man, especially compared with the holy terror I would be if given the power over the business that he retains.
SO: What are your turn-ons? Turn offs?
AA: My turn-ons are fire hydrants, poodle butts and shiny objects. Turn-offs include showering, sunshine and narcoleptics.
SO: Will AVN crumble without you?
AA: If Chatsworth is hit by an earthquake soon after and The AVN Compound crumbles, I will take all the credit.
SO: Is AVN really hiring two guys to replace you because you worked so hard, or is there some other reason?
AA: I suggested replacing me with 10 men and offered to interview them while they jerked off in preparation for one of Kick Ass’ signature lines, but apparently they think I am only worthy of two others.
SO: Now that you’re free of the bonds of AVN, is there anything you’ve always wanted to say to the porn industry, but haven’t because of your position?
AA: What would I like to say about porn? I think it makes the world go round. It can start and end wars. It will make the waters of New Orleans recede. It is one of the four basic food groups. Or are there five now? I’ll have to go check the chart in the Mark Kernes Memorial Lunch-Type Room.
SO: Do you think I’m a nerd because you’re into cool rock-and-roll bands and I spend my life playing World of Warcraft?
AA: I think you are a nerd because you wear glasses and are obsessed with video games… Hey, I think we have the makings of a new series there.
SO: Me too. Awesome stuff.
AA: I am jerking off right now.
SO: Double Anal: Gay or not?
AA: Double anal: Two cocks rubbing against each other. Hmmm. You be the judge.
SO: Auto-Fellatio: Gay or Not?
AA: If that’s gay I’m quitting yoga.
SO: Are you going into rehab?
AA: I wish I had a problem so I could go to rehab. I could use a vacation.
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