Adventures on the Open Internet with Ava Rose

This morning America requires me to be in beautiful downtown Burbank. But how can I post my usual musings on rape, bestiality, gaping, milk enemas, triple-fisting, fecal bukkake (I call this fekkake), Cthulhu-tentacle nostrilingus (I call this business as usual), and the sensitive couples’ pornography of Paul Little when Burbank’s terms of use clearly state:

Users shall not use the City of Burbank’s Wireless network to transmit, distribute or store material that is inappropriate, as reasonably determined by the City, or material that is obscene, defamatory, libelous, threatening, abusive, hateful, or excessively violent.

Perhaps I am flouting these rules by posting this picture of the performer Pamela Peaks, the director Jennifer James, and former Hustler publicist Amy Accardi, but I am a First Amendment Patriot.

In other news, an impending server migration might provide the impetus I need to transfer Porn Valley Observed to the WordPress platform. This scares me. But not as much as a call I received from my website administrator last week.

“SOMEBODY MUST REALLY HATE YOU, GRAMS,” he said. “SOMEONE HAS LAUNCHED AN ATTACK ON YOUR SITE AND IS TRYING TO BRING IT DOWN. SOMEONE IS ACCESSING 800 GIGABYTES OF FILES FROM YOUR SITE AND WANTS TO DESTROY YOU.”

“Who could that be?” I said.

“WELL I’D SAY KURT LOCKWOOD AND EON McKAI BUT THEY DON’T HAVE THE BRAINS,” he said.

“They’re just misguided,” I said. “They mean no harm to anyone. Plus, it couldn’t be that difficult to take my site down if someone wanted to.”

“I KNOW RUSSIANS WHO WOULD DO IT,” he said. “LIKE THAT.” He then explained how a former adult industry trade publication would periodically knock down the website of a former adult industry blogger when the latter got too uppity. “HE WAS CONSTANTLY MOVING SERVERS BECAUSE IT GOT TOO EXPENSIVE.”

Do I have powerful enemies? I thought. I don’t think so. After all, I am America’s Beloved Porn Journalist.

Still, my administrator had me thinking conspiratorially.

“HAVE YOU OFFENDED _blank_ AT _blank.COM LATELY?” he said.

“I don’t think so,” I said, “but maybe _blank’s boss?”

“REALLY? REALLY??” my admin said, cackling. “DO YOU THINK _blank COULD REALLY DO THAT? I DON’T THINK SO, GRAMS. REALLY??!”

This made me sad. I felt like I was being told that only my website administrator knew true malice when he saw it.

“I don’t study evil,” I said.

Anyway, it looks like the culprits are actually Ava Rose and Tera Patrick.

A year ago I experimented with podcasting but I, like everyone, was not able to make it pay. That said, I had a very popular (for what that’s worth) podcast on iTunes called The Porner’s Almanac.

The deal with iTunes podcasts is that the files are actually stored on the author’s server, not on iTunes, so those requests for my filmed Tera Patrick and Ava Rose interviews were landing on my site, hence the huge destabilizing blow to my bandwidth.

So it was not hate, but love, that threatened the very existence of Porn Valley Observed.

I have changed the names of those files so they are no longer accessible, and if I decide to publish them again I will make them available on YouTube or some other service. That way nobody gets to make money.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: The Buttoned-down Ava Rose; Tera Patrick and Evan Seinfeld to be alone together

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

3 Comments

  1. Good eye, Hentai. Maybe you would call him that, or worse, but that was a typo that seemed to be a single-point Freudian slip.

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