L.A.-based publicity firm AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) and .XXX domain hawker Stuart Lawley announced plans to consolidate their joint takeover of the adult industry by filming a modest slate of porn parodies, opening an adult talent agency, and launching a trade magazine, consumer show, and craft services truck.
“We are also dating Zoe Voss,” AHF and Lawley said.
“Stuart and I have been discussing this ever since we met on a flight to Hell,” said AHF president Michael Weinstein. “And I don’t consider it ironic that the movie playing was a double bill of ‘Flight Attendants’ and “Not The Flintstones XXX.'”
“It was apparent to us that the adult industry has no idea what it’s doing and can’t think beyond its dwindling profit margins enough to mount any kind of defense against people like us,” Lawley said, twirling his moustaches. “But we are enamored of the screen stylings of James Bartholet, and think he and the reanimated corpse of Bill Margold would make an excellent Yogi/Boo Boo combination.”
Today’s announcement, made from the deck of AHF’s ship MV Reservoir Tip, was the culmination of years of the two entities’ maneuvering to gain control over the adult industry. The new production company will be called Dot Triple AIDS.
But the AHF/Lawley partnership was met with howls of protest from unorganized factions within Porn Valley.
“While I am outraged,” said one XBiz employee onboard, “you have to admit their craft services are excellent and they have agreed to sponsor both the lunch at our next Forum as well as the Players’ Ball.”
“I, too, am shocked. Shocked!” said an AVN executive. “But they’ve bought ads through FY 2012, and a little, rent-paying bird tells me Dot Triple AIDS is a lock for Best Picture next year. Fuck Bluebird.”
Beloved Porn Journalist Gram Ponante found it difficult to remain objective.
“Considering my dalliance with Pornhub earlier this year, I don’t have the right to say a God-damned thing,” he said, trying the veal. “But if they ask me to direct my ‘This Ain’t The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’ script and they pay on time, well…”
“Not Yogi Bear dot-XXX” begins filming next week with Eon McKai at the helm.
“With a script by Gloria Allred and with Shelley Lubben and Cameron Reid in non-sex roles, our condom-only Yogi is sure to be a huge hit,” Weinstein said. “Who is this ‘Porno Dan’ and can we hire him to throw a party?”
At press time, however, Weinstein and Lawley were already succumbing to the infighting and shortsightedness common to Porn Valley personnel, with Lawley posting personal attacks under numerous pseudonyms on adult chatboards.
Using the name ICANN_and_I_Will on forum GFY, Lawley said, “That bastard wanted to call our studio This Ain’t The Weinstein Company. Ass.”
Meanwhile, Weinstein was trying to navigate agent’s fees on XPT.
“You mean the actress pays a percentage to her agent already but I also have to throw in a hundred bucks?” he said. “That shit’s retarded. Why isn’t the Department of Public Health aware of this?”
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Porn Valley Two-Headed Donkey Tour: The Wonderland Murders; Why .xxx is a shameful choice
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