Almost Blue: “This Ain’t The Smurfs XXX”

Mature subject matter? If there's grass on the turf, you can scissor a Smurf.

Before you dismiss this endeavor as Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Lexi Belle as Smurfette brings the character much more maturity than she did Little Red Riding Hood.

Studio: Hustler
Director: Axel Braun
Starring: Lexi Belle, Charley Chase, Jay Crew, Jeremy Conway, Evan Stone, Barry Scott, Nicole Aniston, Bill Diehl

“This Ain’t the Smurfs XXX” isn’t the first blue movie based on Saturday morning cartoons. It isn’t even the first blue blue movie (that would be “This Ain’t Avatar XXX“), but it is the first blue blue movie filmed in Larry Flynt’s office.

Director Axel Braun (the writer isn’t credited, and even the makeup artist chose to take the name “Alan Smithee”), crafts a tale in which barely-verbal cartoon characters based on the pre-legal Saturday mornings of our youth fuck each other against the backdrop of the Larry Flynt Publications building.

If you were hoping this parody would do its best to cleverly subvert the infantile subject matter, the opening scene will leave you both disappointed and aroused:

Brainy Smurf needs a wrench to finish his teleportation device, and asks Smurfette to get it.

“It looks like a C,” he says. “You do know what a C looks like, don’t you?”

Smurfette spreads her legs to reveal a perfect blue vagina.

GET IT?

The device transports Brainy (Jeremy Conway), Smurfette (Lexi Belle), and Papa Smurf (Jay Crew, who gets to say “Come to Papa”) to the Hustler offices, where receptionist Nicole Aniston puts them in her Prada bag. Aniston must then fuck Evan Stone to distract him from their presence, else “he’d want them.”

The greenscreen work is very good; the Smurfs appear tiny in our human world.

Later, photographer Bill Diehl auditions Smurf chicks Belle and Charley Chase for a lesbo scene.

So you see, it’s a backstage look at the porn world through the filter of children’s programming.

My whole body rejected this movie when it arrived in the mail, which is why I bravely chose to review it. I admit that I felt as creepy as I ever allow myself to feel watching Charley Chase, her azure vadge poking out of her little pink dress, suck the blue off a dick.

And then to watch Chase and Belle look like twin cyan Diane Ladds from “Wild At Heart” after getting jizzed on, their Alan Smithee makeup falling off in clots, made me happy I had a thesaurus with me.

But I would be lying if I said “Smurfs” wasn’t the edgiest, wierdest Hustler movie I’ve seen in a long time. There’s even a scene with hideous villain Gargamel and Lexi Belle. I imagine it was a Friday afternoon at 4 when this project got approved over at the Dark Tower on Wilshire and La Cienega.

Now that the genie is out of the bottle, can “This Ain’t Teletubbies XXX” be far behind?

· Buy “This Ain’t The Smurfs XXX” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Wolf eats “Red Riding Hood” but she survives; Blue Movie—”Avatar XXX”; The 2012 Porn Nudity Indez
See Also: Hustler