Your Paper Towels Are Proudly Used on Porn Sets, Alyssa Milano

cassidy banks alyssa milano
As I am not a celebrity, I often find the range of products to which celebrities will lend their names (and “designs”) overwhelming. Do you think Britney Spears is actually out there blinding minks and extruding their essences for her signature perfume, or that Kanye’s creative contribution to the design of his new $120 blank white t-shirt was more than “Yeah. Uh-huh. (Laughs). Hooo! Make sure it has four holes: one for the neck, two for each arm, and one wider one on bottom for the rest of your body to come out of”?

I’m not going to lie to you, Friends, when I say that, should my Supertramp cover band — The Bloody Well Righteous Brothers — ever take off and the offers start pouring in, I would seriously consider licensing my image and name to a line of bubble mailers, corncob pipes, helicopters, hybrid dogs, vulva puffeners, garden Virgin Marys, 4K televisions, mail-order brides, and defoliant, but I was still surprised to walk onto a set recently to find the juicy and frank Latina Cassidy Banks holding a package of Alyssa Milano’s super-absorbent paper towels.

alyssa milano

Milano, of whom I am fond, starred in “Who’s The Boss?” and “Charmed,” as well as gleefully appearing clothing-free in several B-movies, including “Embrace of the Vampire” and “Poison Ivy 2.” None of these things does or should disqualify her from her own domestic products line, but at what point does one say, “I feel the best way to express my vision is through something that is immediately torn and ground into counter-grouting when the coffee misses the pot”?

According to London’s breathless, shameless Daily Mail:

The 42-year-old business woman is taking a break from her life-long acting career and shifting her energy into another passion, design.

Anyway, that day was the first time I met Banks, who is charming and tall, as well as the time I learned that Milano had, instead of endorsing a line of Pepperidge Farm cookies, pulled the trigger on some Brawny knockoffs.

You know, because I am both a parent and a pornographer, I spent about 16 hours a day at Costco, either buying job lots of wipes or … well, more job lots of wipes. I haven’t seen Milano’s wares there. But as a consumer, would you trust the Milano name for your gently-plucking-spiders-off-the-wall-and-letting-them-free-outside duties (to be honest, I only pretend to do that — once I’m out of view I kill them. It’s a tacit agreement the spider and I have. He knows I have an obligation to whatever sensitive soul is in the house and he’d rather not get tossed off a second story balcony to fend for himself amongst the bats and feet, so it’s best that I kill him)? Is Milano’s name one of the first ten thousand you’d utter when presented with the question How Do I Get This Cheese Off My Face?

I don’t get it. But I wish Milano well. She seems nice. I like her breastfeeding activism.

cassidy banks

I also like this picture of Cassidy Banks. She was thinking of covering up with a paper towel but I was all like No.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Surviving 70’s Porn Tropes And What We Can Learn from Them
See also: Cassidy Banks, Alyssa Milano

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *