AVN dissolved in Greek debt restructure

CHATSWORTH, Calif.—Where once blew misguided starlets eager to win the most prestigious adult award, now only blow flakes of baklava from a hastily-convened going away party. The few assets of the once-mighty AVN Media Network have been sold by its Greek owner as part of his country’s austerity measures.

Crippled by debt, Internet piracy, and the decline in popularity of tangibles like magazines and DVDs, the former Adult Video News was already “as brittle as an unbuttered sheet of filo,” according to CEO Theo Sapoutzis, who bought the embattled family of websites and publications in 2009.

“My country, she is not in the pornographies anymore,” said Sapoutzis, smashing a ceremonial plate over senior writer Mark Kernes, who had been with the company since the mid 1980s. “I sella your 3D camera, too!”

Earlier this year a German-led European Union restructured the debt of Greece, whose debt-to-GDP ratio stands at 159:1. Already hobbled and enraged by an externally-mandated austerity campaign, Greece issued a call to its native entrepreneurs abroad to send money home.

“What could I do?” said Sapoutzis, a bottle of Grappa and a revolver spread before him on a table festooned with daguerrotypes from the ancient AVNOnline. “My country, her mouth is hungry for the money, like the eye of the Minotaur, except a mouth.”

Insiders say AVN hasn’t been the same since it fired Gram Ponante in 2003.

AVN’s archives will be enshrined in the Parthenon, including the famous 20-year-anniversary cover featuring the headline “Paul Fishbein: A Tounge-in-cheek Interview” [sic]. In addition, its vast digital photography collection will be on display at the Acropolis Museum.

“Beware of Greeks bearing .GIFs,” Sapoutzis quipped.

XBiz has already hired all of AVN’s three remaining staff members, as well as Tod Hunter, by mistake.

[April Fool]