I’m So Awesome: On the Set of Turgid’s Bedwetting Puppeteers
I am with adult producer Deering Treetrove at the junction of CA-118 and the Future.
“This will be the most innovative, extreme line ever released,” he is saying. “All these new-school punks who think they’re being so edgy are gonna have to return to their stripper girlfriends and nursing careers.”
Not that either of those things is bad. According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, male nurses earn a comfortable living and are more likely than members of most other professions to die peacefully in their sleep. And anyone who has ever dated a stripper knows that the free wings provide comfort long after her Lhasa Apso gets to ride up front. But Treetrove is right, the creative rigors he has undergone with his groundbreaking new series will make many a porn auteur question why he has gotten into the game.
“I could have continued with my cash cows,” Treetrove continues, “such as Hairless And Painted, Circus Slutz, and my erotic adaptations of Thomas Paine’s essays, but my Inner Voice demanded I give more.”
Unlike so many Porn Valley maestros who suppress that Inner Voice in favor of the call of easy cash and sobriety, Deering listened to his, took notes, brought the Voice out to dinner, and fucked it. That is why a grateful world will soon have Bedwetting Puppeteers.
We are joined by an ebullient Iphigenia Squirtz at the cozy 7-11 where Treetrove conducts business. (nb: Miss Squirtz and I are now just friends, but thank you, my Iphigenia, for showing me that porn journalists can get blow jobs for small honoraria and a positive review in their employers’ publications. Your call to my wife made her understand that this is how Daddy puts food on the table, just as if I were a fireman whose duties every now and then included de-worming the Dalmatian but without blow jobs.) Squirtz plays Apache Junction, the madame of a bordello filled with bedwetting puppeteers. She must convince a small town mayor (by any means necessary! – Malcolm X) to not shut her down. It all works out in the end.
“As this is a series,” Squirtz says, “I must re-convince the mayor every time.” The mayor is played by Turgid Larry, in fine form after his release from quarantine.
The creative process behind Bedwetting Puppeteers is collaborative. Under Treetrove’s direction, the cast comes up with the dialogue and structure through a series of improvisations in the style of Keith Johnstone. Treetrove then edits the rehearsals into a script. “I get the writing credit,” Treetrove says, “and when porn finally becomes unionized, I’ll get my WGA card back.”
We stroll out to the parking lot where Puppeteers II and III are being shot simultaneously. Voluminous press to the contrary, Bedwetting Puppeteers will not feature porn’s first all-CGI character due to budget constraints, so instead pays homage to the old porn convention of employing a dwarf. In addition, Treetrove successfully incorporates a Goya delivery truck into a scene.
According to my sources, Miss Junction, you are running a bordello filled
with bedwetting puppets.
Bedwetting puppeteers, Mr. Mayor. There’s a difference.
I’m going to put my cock in everything in this building.
How about a refreshing malted Goya beverage first?
Only if I can put my cock in it.
if they’re pulling the strings. Deering’s like, ‘what if puppeteers wet their beds, too?’ and we were all like, ‘it would be cool if you housed them all in one edifice’ and then Deering goes, ‘like a bordello’. That’s the genius that guy is. The weird thing was, we weren’t even thinking about porn movies at the time; we were just in my back yard trying to mate prairie dogs with Giant Gambian Rats.”
The creative surge in Treetrove’s career has only spurred other, long-dormant ideas. He is attempting to partner with a certain fast-food company with his McRim campaign, and fans can expect a director’s cut of his 1991 masterpiece The Coccydental Tourist with Vageena Davis to satisfy his contract with TGV/Cornhole in November.
One only need look at my collected writings to confirm what I have said all along: the porn auteur must create, or die. Treetrove has acted on my words. It’s 4:38 p.m. I share a Slurpee with Turgid publicist Rhesus and depart.
“Thanks for everything you’ve done for our oppressed, freedom-loving community,” Rhesus calls after me.
Previously: Meeting Loup and the Goo Goblins