Berlin’s Sexual Personae Updated

In “Sex (I’m A…),” the 1982 classic by the synth-wave band Berlin, Terri Nunn claims several roles for herself, but John Crawford only gets one.

Observe:

The Woman: I’m a goddess, virgin, blue movie, bitch, geisha, little girl, boi, your mother, slave, bi, teaser, one night stand, a drug, dream divine, hooker, slut, (and) your babe.

The Man: I’m a man.

While the 1982 song was doubtless groundbreaking, I have updated the lyrics to reflect today’s rich tapestry of sexual fluidity.

MAN
I’m a man

WOMAN
I’m a skirt

MAN
I’m a duck

WOMAN
I’m a file cabinet

MAN
I’m a televangelist

WOMAN
I’m your intern

MAN
I’m a union representative

WOMAN
I’m a scab

MAN
I’m a gay porn actor who strenuously protests his heterosexuality

WOMAN
I’m the sister of the guy who owns Vivid

MAN
I’m a Congressman

WOMAN
I’m in possession of an Amazon wishlist

MAN
I’m a tool

WOMAN
I’m a MILF

MAN
I’m a douchebag

WOMAN
I’m a cougar

MAN
I’m a Maytag repairman

WOMAN
I’m a sex blogger

MAN
I’m an assistant professor with a fan ticket to the Adult Entertainment Expo

WOMAN
I’m a bukkake surface

MAN
I’m a mope

WOMAN
I’m a contract girl

MAN
I’m a bartender

WOMAN
I’m a bartender!

MAN
I’m a suitcase pimp

WOMAN
I’m a woman with 5,000 Facebook friends—the limit

MAN
I’m the frontman of “The Metro,” a Berlin cover band. Would you like to know out MySpace page? No? OK.

WOMAN
I’m a nursing student

BOTH
And we make love together, etc.

Even though the song and accompanying videos are almost 30 years old, I still think the 2010 version should use mannequins and shots of meat.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Give me all your squirting; Your people call it corn, we call it Tanner Mayes; Don’t you forget about John Hughes