Bonobo discovery undermines swinger platform

Once, when I was younger (I am now 23), a mature lady (the term at that time was “handsome woman”) approached me and said, “Consider the Bonobo.”

She proceeded to tell me about her views on jealousy, free love, why I should fuck her, my married Literature professor, and why this small group of sub-Saharan monkeys had it right rather than, say, the Hammerhead Shark, who has sex with hundreds of females, then covers them with gasoline and lights them on fire.

Long the symbol of freewheeling sexuality and the groovy primate mascot of the swinger lifestyle, bonobos, closely related to humans and chimpanzees, are casually sexual and often resolve conflicts by fucking each other. A study released this week by the journal Current Biology indicates that bonobos also fuck each other over, hunting and killing each other just like everybody else.

The five-year study was conducted in the bonobos’ love ashram in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

“These findings are particularly relevant for the discussion about male dominance and bonding, aggression and hunting — a domain that was thought to separate chimpanzees and bonobos,” said Gottfried Hohmann of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology. “In chimpanzees, male-dominance is associated with physical violence, hunting and meat consumption. By inference, the lack of male dominance and physical violence is often used to explain the relative absence of hunting and meat-eating in bonobos. Our observations suggest that, in contrast to previous assumptions, these behaviors may persist in societies with different social relations.”

In other words, because bonobos were not at first observed hunting and killing each other but instead making out with their neighbors’ wives, it was assumed that the male dominance and aggression common to other animal herds was absent from bonobos due to their grooviness, giving rise to bonobo worship and an Internet presence for every person who suggests a World Orgasm Day for Peace.

So the next time your mom’s hot friend approaches you and uses the bonobo’s free-spirited ways as an enticement to a swinger’s retreat for “experienced” couples in Hesperia, go on the condition that you get to kill and eat her children afterwards.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Bonobos, baby talk, and bullshit: one perspective on the usefulness of sex writing ; Obama on orgasm donations: I’d much rather have the money
See also: Bonobos Hunt Other Primates