Britney Rears 2: I Wanna Get Laid

You broke my heart, Britney
You broke my heart, Britney

Director: Will Rider
Cast: Britney Rears, Sunny Lane, Jenaveve Jolie, Nadia Styles, Eva Angelina, Hillary Scott, Shy Love, Kapri Styles, Nyomi Marcela, Nikki Hilton

As the treachery of Hyman Roth and Michael Corleone’s fall from innocence were central to the plot of Godfather Part II, questions concerning who really sings Britney Rears’ songs are the foundation of this sequel, which many believe exceeds the high standards set by its predecessor. Never take sides against your dancers, Britney.

“It dudn’t get any crazier dan dis!” observes a starstruck narrator, introducing scenes from the decadent life of Britney Rears, embattled porn pop tart.

In this installment, Rears is being accused of lip-synching; the press is giving her a hard time about her philandering lazy-ass husband, Kevin; and her dancers hate her. Even her management team cannot spare her a kind word. And in the trappings of a standard Hustler movie, with a required amount of sex scenes, groupings, and positions therein, director Will Rider has managed to deliver a movie that comments on both the adult industry and the greater entertainment industry it seeks to emulate.

A bank of microphones at a Rears press conference include representatives of adult trade publications AVN and XBiz, neither of which owns microphones or its own digital camera. This is a means of courting some of the few outlets available within the adult industry to single out one of the thousand porn movies released every month. Where was the microphone???

Through zoom-laden interview segments and meaningless sex in Porn Valley mansionlettes, Britney Rears’ life—and yours by extension—is revealed to be an empty joyride with The Void at the end. That Rears’ own lip-synching is never resolved is indicative of the responsibility-free lives the damned lead.

Indeed, Rears herself is a secondary player in her own story, with longer scenes reserved for the likes of Jenaveve Jolie and Eva Angelina. This can be expected in a life totally out of her own control.

The only throughline in her existence, other than despair and blowjobs, is the blue tarp she and Shy Love use to fuck Scott Nails at her press conference (in front of the media elite, no less); it is the same one she uses at her mountainside mansion.

When her last breath escapes her lips at the end of Britney Rears 3 (word is there will be a different Britney), it will undoubtedly carry the words “Blue Tarp.”

(The above was my original final line when I submitted this review to Fleshbot, but my editor added the following:

“Kind of like the end of ‘Citizen Kane’, except, like, not.”

I am confident my urbane readers would have known that already, regardless of whether “Blue Tarp” was a dumb joke or not.)

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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