I feel like every 18-year-old pornstress cast in a parody of some 80’s sitcom she’s never seen. No, not my champagne glass doughball breasts and my vagina that smells like watermelon bubblegum: a blank slate. With “Buffy the Vampire Slayer XXX,” I can judge this parody on its own merits, unsullied by previous knowledge of the Joss Whedon original. This is going to be great.
Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Starring: Lexi Belle, Ash Hollywood, Jessie Andrews, Rocco Reed, Anthony Rosano, Kris Slater, Tom Byron, Amber Rayne, April O’Neal, Michale Vegas, Britney Amber, Chanel Preston
Here’s what Lexi Belle told me:
“This shoot was so much fun, but I was sick all the way through it. I had a bad cold and we had to break for my coughing.”
You ever try to have sex when you’re sick? Even with yourself? It’s difficult. Stop for a moment and admire the resolve of our nation’s porn stars, and Lexi Belle, in particular. Then read the rest of the review.
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I’m not completely out of the loop, though. I know the “Buffy” parody is based on the Sarah Michelle Gellar TV series rather than the Kirsty Swanson movie, and I appreciate that writer “Josh Wheldon” references Whedon’s “Avengers” (Kris Slater as Xander finds a reason to say “Hulk smash”) and a certain band camp marital aid used by Alyson Hannigan in “American Pie” and name-checked by Hannigan’s porn stand-in, Jessie Andrews as Willow.
But I don’t know if Willow is naturally ditsy or if Andrews isn’t off book yet, and I don’t know why witches and werewolves and demons show up in the movie if it’s supposed to be about vampires. Oh well. Let’s watch the movie.
A vampire stalks Buffy (Lexi Belle) through a graveyard. She turns, deftly dodges several right hooks, and stakes him through the heart, turning him to dust. Afterward, bumbling comic relief teammates Xander (Kris Slater) and Willow (Jessie Andrews) show up too late, but we know that it is Buffy who is the asskicker of the group.
Buffy is a vampire slayer—or a slayer—and she lives and works in Sunnydale, a town located just above the Hellmouth and therefore prone to supernatural infestations, just like Bridgeport, CT.
For example, Willow, a witch, casts a spell to help Buffy get over her loneliness for ex-boyfriend Angel (Rocco Reed) (Buffy’s fellatio skills are the reason for the tagline “she sucks, but in a good way”) and unwittingly opens a trans-dimensional vortex to let a demonic trio in.
But not before offering up some great dream sequence sex between Angel and Buffy and Willow and Xander.
“We had something last year, and we even kissed,” Wiillow says by way of exposition. “Do you still want me?”
This scene, a blue-tinged nighttime romp in a kitchen, is particularly fun. Kris Slater is a good-natured performer and Andrews looks even more vulnerable and sylphlike than Lexi Belle; in fact, it’s odd to see the two of them in the same movie. Belle usually plays the ingenue, but Andrews out-ingenues Belle without so much as sticking a finger in her mouth to bite it coyly.
Then a man named Giles (Tom Byron) fucks a woman named Jenny (Chanel Preston). The movie assumes we know who either of these people are, and that Jenny has long been lost to Giles. Later, we learn that Giles is some kind of Professor Xavier/protector for the crimefighting teens.
Anyway, just before his popshot, Giles says, “I’m so glad you’re not dead,” which is what I say in similar situations, even when I know they are, in fact, dead.
Meanwhile, a night janitor who is dragging a broom across a dirtless floor (Seth’s Beard) is beset upon by a demonic trio (Ash Hollywood, Amber Rayne, and April O’Neal). The ladies make short work of Beard, announcing they are really in town to get The Slayer.
Still, “(There’s) nothing like a meal waiting for us when we come out of a trans-simensional vortex,” says January (Ash Hollywood).
Buffy and friends defeat the demons, and Willow says she won’t cast thoughtless spells anymore, and we think the movie is about to end without the traditional cumshot.
“Whoa,” we say. “There was no cumshot in the last sex scene, when the demonesses fucked each other. That means there hasn’t been a cumshot in like 25 minutes, not since that Tom Byron/Chanel Preston tryst. What has happened to commercial porn?”
But wait! The movie ends with two characters we have never seen before, played by Michael Vegas and Britney Amber. We watch Amber’s zaftig breasts bounce this way and that, hypnotically. We assume from the fact that dude’s dyed his hair that he’s a bad guy, but why is he here?
He comes, and the movie ends.
I think of a more recent Whedon property, “The Avengers,” for a mainstream counterpart to this scene. At the end of “The Avengers” we are treated to a brief flash of some red, Hulkish entity grinning in space. Those who know this character from decades spent in their dank, lightless rooms gasp appreciatively in the theatre, but he’s onscreen for so short a time that all I think is, “Ooh, this must be the thing that sets up the sequel.”
But Wheldon and Myers aren’t allowed to just flash on a couple of faces to make “Buffy” diehards squeal with glee. No, Vegas and Amber have to fuck for 15 minutes. Lucky it’s already a porn movie, because otherwise I’d have no idea what the fuck was going on.
“Buffy XXX” is a fun movie, even if you haven’t seen the original. In fact, I have a feeling it’s a lot more fun than parodies of movie you have seen, like “The Avengers XXX.”
NOTE: The subject line of this review is a parody and should only be read for entertainment purposes. GramPonante, GramPonante.com, and its corporate parents do not wish to imply that this movie has anal scenes. “Hershey Highway” was only employed for alliterative purposes.
· Buy “Buffy the Vampire Slayer XXX” here
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: The 2011 Ropy Volley Awards—movies of the year; Jessie Andrews—her own skin; Everybody must get “Wasted”
See Also: Adam & Eve
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