Because I am a legendary performer whose poignant portrayal of the Colossus of Loads brought tears to the eyes of moviegoers in “Gram Ponante’s Nutfeast,” I will be presenting the Best Actress trophy at this year’s XBiz Awards. But I am unsure of how I should comport myself.
Getting an XBiz Award, as you know, is like being knighted, learning to drive stick, and getting your hymen broken all at the same time. It is a very special moment for a young lady, and I need to be as gentle – but as firm – as I can when pressing the jagged lucite monolith that is an XBiz Award into the quivering, pink, puckering, moist hands of either Alektra Blue, Asa Akira, Audrey Hollander, Bree Olson, Hillary Scott, Jessica Drake, Joanna Angel, Kayden Kross, Kelly McCarty, Kimberly Kane, Kirsten Price, Kristina Rose, Lisa Ann, or Sasha Grey.
I have been to many adult awards shows and have noted certain behaviors among the presenter class. Here are some moves I’m considering:
- Going onstage with hookers whom I’ll feel up while reading my card, as if reading the name of the winner is a distraction to feeling up the hookers
- Making comments to Hartley that are not merely suggestive, just lewd. “The lady next to me likes the cock.”
- Wearing sunglasses indoors
- Deliberately mispronouncing the name of the winner if she isn’t someone I like
- Pouring malt liquor on a framed photograph of David Aaron Clark. “Mourn ya til I join ya, my nigger.”
- Growing a goatee
- Letting people know that I’m fucked up
- Insulting the audience. “What’s up, motherfuckers?”
- Being a wigger. “Make some noise Hollywood!”
- Pointing out the people who are not nominated
- Mentioning my band, Fogelfoot
- Mentioning my Lord, Jesus Christ
- Visualizing a free Tibet
I encourage anyone in the adult industry to give me advice about the high level of decorum I will need to employ February 10.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: XBiz takes over February; Backstage at the XBiz Awards – A Night of Heroes
See also: XBiz Awards, February 10, 2010 at Avalon Hollywood