“Ass-Out-of-Pants is a look perfected by plumbers, of course, but anyone can do it,” says GramPonante.com valet Loup Perch-Tounge. “The idea is to maintain plausible deniability. ‘Has my ass fallen out of my pants? Oh, I see it has.’”

The Suicide Girls don’t wanna be buried in the Pet Sematary, so I’d like to send them to you.

Perhaps people need an obstacle to keep them focused, because it’s amazing how eloquent some women can get with a cock in their mouths.

I will send you both “The Senator’s Daughter” and (what I consider) a good movie if you …

As with all of San Francisco’s public functions, the Independent Erotic Film Festival will feature plenty of attendant drag queens, live sex shows, raunchy music, free-flowing alcohol, visiting porn stars, and debauchery.

“I’m gonna put my fuckin’ babies in your troat.”

DeArmond’s dainty wrists were almost no match for the bowling ball. “But I’m still great at handjobs,” she said.

Why don’t these devoted shadow readers submit answers for the chance at fabulous prizes? I thought.

Because they are more excited by the unknown, I sagely answered.

I will be presenting the Best Actress trophy at this year’s XBiz Awards, but I am unsure of how I should comport myself.

In a very real way, all porn is good. But the following titles were better.

There are few people more exciting to think of having a date with than Belladonna and Kimberly Kane (well, I would have liked to go on a date with Mary Todd Lincoln, because that chick was crazy)

It turns out the best porn parody wasn’t even funny, that Tori Black talks in a nice, low register when you’re fucking her in the ass, and that Phoenix Marie and Andi Anderson re-enacted a scene from “Bull Durham” in this week’s reviews. Be the first to tell me the song that was playing in [...]

As much as the importance of words can’t be overstated, the non-verbal communication between Anjanette Astoria and Johnny Castle on the set of “Cougars in Heat” is just as significant in making a good scene. “We really clicked,” Astoria said. “The scene was really strong.” But what were they thinking the moment this picture was [...]

Where I come from (GPS coordinates: 30.4813°N 89.7690°W), if you call someone thick, you are calling her retarded. And while having sex with the mentally disabled is arguably the subject matter of 90 percent of JM Video’s titles, it is that other meaning of “thick,” the one involving childbearing hips and breasts that dangle and [...]

My German isn’t that great, but I wanted to let you know that the couch is itself a vibrating ass and pussy. See also: I’ll Consent When I’m Dead

You want my copy of “American Gokkun 9,” starring Amy Starz and Kylee Luvit? It can do one of two things to your life: change it utterly, or not. In order to win this select piece of pornography, featuring two women who add more to your party than even your Jagermeister Tap Machine, be the [...]

19-year-old Chloe Kez. a nanny and housecleaner from Baltimore, applied to Vivid’s “Brand New Faces” outreach program and shot her first porn scene for the company in “Brand New Faces 17.” Kez seemed surprised when director B. Skow suggested that one of her charges – a 16-year-old boy – might have a motive other than [...]

A while ago I watched the movie Crack Whore Confessions 3 and I have been haunted, I tell you, by the imagery. Scroll down to see how you can win my copy of the movie. If David Mamet, Harold Pinter, and Monty Python had collaborated on a porn script it could not have been better [...]

The winner of the “What Is Faith Leon thinking?” contest is a person called “Neckties for Reptiles,” who, on further research, has a very thoughtful blog of his own, despite the fact that he is probably a deviant who nevertheless gets military discounts. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: I’m surprised we still need pornSee also: [...]

A randomly-captured photo of Faith Leon from the movie Black Man’s Burden leaves me to wonder what she might have been thinking at that very moment. Here are some options off the top of my head: Is DirecTV really better than cable? Get out of your head, Meat That rug really tied the room together, [...]