“So the SaSi would be good for geeky girls with a little patience and sensitive, simmering clitorises?” I said (barely above a whisper, really).

I am not, like many of my colleagues, a Clinical Sexologist, so I don’t really know the difference between Erotic and Exotic, especially in the context of the Erotic Exotic Expo and Ball (EEB) that will be celebrating its 30th anniversary this weekend in San Francisco. More to the point, since everything I do is [...]

Sometimes Ladies ask me about vaginal products. “Grams, what are Ben Wa Balls?” Well, imagine the Starlite Mints or hard candies your grandmother gave you, the butterscotches and Almond Roca. You swished them around in your mouth for hours, because the afternoon was long and you weren’t old enough to drive. In your mouth, they [...]

My German isn’t that great, but I wanted to let you know that the couch is itself a vibrating ass and pussy. See also: I’ll Consent When I’m Dead

This week’s Adult Novelty Expo at the Sheraton Universal culminates with the first (annual?) O Awards Tuesday night. The awards will honor companies and products that touched just about everything other than consumers’ hearts in the breakhymen world of marital aids. Categories include Best Product (Powered) and Best Product (Non-Powered) as well as Outstanding Innovation [...]

Good for transsexual porn star Allanah Starr: it is a big thing to have a marital aid made from a mold of one’s parts; it means that porn star has arrived. Regardless, I wasn’t going to touch Allanah Starr’s Cyberskin Deep Throat Stroker with a ten-inch pole. But the toy in its cellophane reminded me [...]

It is well-documented that older people have sex. Even in the Bible, the Virgin Mary’s cousin Elizabeth conceived a child in her old age (Luke 1:36). And who can forget horrifying images of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones? But this is why I no longer read the Bible or watch Romancing the Stone; senile sexuality [...]

I have never had a problem with replicants, cyborgs, or other sentient machines sharing a buffet table with me because, if anything, I don’t want to be among the first targeted when they inevitably rise up and harvest our organs. But I am afraid that April Flores’ Voluptuous Cyberskin Pussy might be too real. It [...]

Artist and porn performer Zak Sabbath has created this painting of April Flores taking Lystra for a walk. He has titled it “Judge And Fool.” The painting reminds me of the art for “Man of La Mancha.” Speaking of heavenly causes, Flores’ Voluptuous Cyberskin Pussy arrived at Gram Ponante Towers, Helipad, Fryolater, and Brasserie this [...]

Sometimes when watching a porn movie I think the actress might break. I look at her ribs and, sometimes, the little carved out area where the thigh meets the groin, all as rigid and stark as her premature bolt-ons and I think, “Just let me make you a bowl of pesto.” Not April Flores. The [...]

It is well-documented that older people have sex. Even in the Bible, the Virgin Mary’s cousin Elizabeth conceived a child in her old age (Luke 1:36). And who can forget horrifying images of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones? But this is why I no longer read the Bible or watch Romancing the Stone; senile sexuality [...]

Good for transsexual porn star Allanah Starr: it is a big thing to have a marital aid made from a mold of one’s parts; it means that porn star has arrived. Regardless, I wasn’t going to touch Allanah Starr’s Cyberskin Deep Throat Stroker with a ten-inch pole. But the toy in its cellophane reminded me [...]

Whether or not this will be a recurring feature I don’t know. I guess it depends 0n you. Dear Grams, Last night my spouse and I were up late watching a scary Mexican movie, Kilometer 31. At the end of it my wife said, “Don’t pretend you’re not too tired to fuck me” to which [...]

The Screaming O, a collection of marital aids marketed out of the adult playground of Torrance, CA, will be presenting its third annual Go Down Ho Down Throwdown at this week’s Adult Entertainment Expo, hosted by Nikki Benz. “You think you’re good?” taunted Benz. “Then suck it up and bring it to the main stage, [...]

“You could say this splurge is a result of a negro’s splooge,” I said to the Zacatecan migrant worker who lashed the 12-ft. spruce to my Hummer 3. He smiled mysteriously.

Because I am the coolest person you know, I knew that my trip yesterday to the Orange County headquarters and warehouse of hardcore adult products purveyor Extreme Restraints would not yield medieval scenes of people zapping each other’s nipples while archiving QuickBooks files. Still, in the way certain people will make a show of wiping [...]