As America’s Beloved Porn Journalist, I am delighted to tell you that most porn stars are much cooler in person than they seem in their movies, where they can often appear retarded.

One of the many testaments to the thoughtful direction and restraint of “Rawhide II” is that it wasn’t named “Boner-anza.”

Michelle Avanti is doubly-penetrated in an exact replica of St. Peter’s crucifixion. And a freeze frame of Erin Moore contemplating Sledge Hammer’s penis makes her look like Sauyl on the road to Damascus.

Why don’t these devoted shadow readers submit answers for the chance at fabulous prizes? I thought.

Because they are more excited by the unknown, I sagely answered.

“Educating Rita,” “Driving Miss Daisy,” Eating Raoul,” “Boxing Helena,” Deconstructing Harry,” “Being John Malkovich,” – um – “Romancing the Stone,” “Leaving Las Vegas,” and now “Asphyxiating Ariel.”

“Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” is a much better franchise reboot than Edward Norton’s “The Incredible Hulk.”

“We’re the wild boys walking down the street,” the B-52′s sang in 1990. “Wild boys and girls going out for a big time – any way we can.”

I look forward to watching this movie but, contrary to what you might assume from the boxcover, neither Bree Olson nor Kayden Kross has sex with a horse.

This has led to the further fetishization of shame, as consumers look for performances that appear particularly uncomfortable.

This movie is provocative but doesn’t answer an important question: In the rulebound world of lifestyle BDSM, should bitches get slapped for typos?

“Hardcore” really is like a Porn Valley Chamber of Commerce pamphlet brought to life. But could it be too magical?

Aletta Ocean has a body that says “Hungary is open for business.” The casual observer asks: why not fuck her until I disappear?

If Gracie Glam were the blind guitar virtuoso who sang “Feliz Navidad,” she would be Jose Fellatiano

Denise is a Las Vegas hooker whose cold, lifeless eyes remind me of what Quint says about the shark in “Jaws.”

“Fresh Off the Boat 3″ only needs a Squanto

Alexis Texas proves that moderation is key in all things, particularly in haunch position. Take a look at The KLK, Texas, and Liliane Tiger and their respective ass positions in “Unseasoned Players,” “Buttwoman Returns,” and “Ass Fukt” and you will see that the savvy Texas neither sticks her ass high in the air nor makes [...]

Jean Piaget, the father of Genetic Epistemology, would surely have something to say about this arresting image from Third World Media’s “J Girls Dress Up Fantasy.”

If you are not familiar with this series from Pink Visual, it features scripted (but it’s easy to forget) vignettes of predatory couples prowling parking lots for innocent teens to debase. It feels real to me.

Honduras’ own Emy Reyes joins Pride of Philadelphia Stoya in “Jack’s Playground 23,” an excellent movie that nevertheless sometimes suffers from too much plot and, in Riley Steele’s case, not enough sandwiches.

Private’s “Orgy at the Villa” is exactly what you would expect from debauched Europeans with their five-week vacations and universal healthcare: a multi-ethnic joyride of divorced coiuples who still have sex with their exes, free-flowing liquor, untraceable accents, and women traded like currency over open borders. It has nothing to do with Silvio Berlusconi, but [...]