As both America’s Beloved Porn Journalist and a Costco Executive Member, I am uniquely qualified to write about both the phenomenon of “50 Shades of Grey” versus the heightened reality of “The Truth About O.”.

Keep reminding yourself that “Elements of Desire” is 19 years old.

Scarlett Revell: “I have to feel like I’m there. I want to smell the penises and pussies and sexual juices.”

Perhaps Nina does love Ron, but then they go and fuck a bunch of other people and never see each other again.

“I see the twisted remains of melted metal that was once a bike, and the wreckage of the humanity and families that are what’s left over of a $12,000 joyride which, yes, crashed, because they didn’t take it seriously.”

While Harmony Films’ “The Cult” is neither David Koresh nor L. Ron Hubbard (unless you connect Tom Cruise via “Eyes Wide Shut”), no one can say that porn doesn’t have its finger on topical subjects.

‘With fingers, toys, and tongues hard at work, these ladies will always succumb to the sins of lesbians,’ it says right here. Always, my friends.

I liked this a lot more than the original, aside from the blasphemy of nationalizing sacred Texan oil.

“Revenge of the Petites” is not about dwarves or Little People, so It-Lit David Dinklage is not in it. In fact, the movie is so softcore that there is little dinklage in it at all.

Danny D. is a lucky man who made the grade

Kiki D’aire talks with Gram Ponante about her role in 2000′s “Camp Erotica,” managing a porn agency, guys who can’t get it up, and meeting girls who remind her of her.

“I’ve been so selfish with my gift!” says Anthony Rosano, agreeing to fuck Lexi Belle for free.

“We will do whatever it takes for an independent California.”

If you agree that porn, bless its heart, is about dressing up the solitary act of masturbation, then the couples’ movie is itself kind of a fetish; It is a paraphilia in which viewers use the performers as props for their own sordid offscreen strivings.

You want to fuck a stranger? Go to the In-n-Out parking lot like everyone else. But if you want a porn movie in which performers pretend to be fucking strangers, well, “Midnight Prowl” is almost as seedy.

It’s movies like the sweet and ridiculous “Wet Dream on Elm Street” that makes us fall in love with easy, naked women with big boobs all over again.

Adrianna Luna brightens up any warehouse

“Milk Nymphos 3″ is really a movie for the rest of us. It says, “I’ll take your 1 Percent and shoot it out of my ass.”

“The Smurfs XXX” is a backstage look at the porn world through the filter of children’s programming.

In the depths of the Great Depression, only the antics of Slurpy Throatsluts and his gang of lovable vagabonds kept the nation’s minds of its troubles. Mister, we could use some Slurpy Throatsluts again.