CyberGlass™ Ben Wa Pleasure Balls (and Totoro)

Don’t give her a vacuum cleaner on your anniversary. Don’t give her long underwear, a spatula, or a workout video. But if you’re giving your S.O. something ostensibly sexy like Ben Wa balls, make sure you know what they’re for.

Packaged in a velveteen case like chocolates and featuring elegant floral arrangements within, these glass balls don’t release heat and give your partner orgasms. They don’t get in the way of your penis and give you orgasms. They aren’t for shooting out of the vagina at enemies.

And you definitely do not hand them to your partner saying, “Thought your vag needed tightening.”

The “Pleasure” in the title of this product most likely refers to the pleasure someone else might feel at seeing these sturdy little tools disappearing up the parts of his/her beloved. Experts say that, if you can keep these two marbles inside after a few trips up and down the stairs, then you can probably open a fire hydrant with your labia.

Our test subject is, of course, capable of opening a Mexican Coke bottle with her vagina, but Ben Wa balls are great for anyone wishing to strengthen her pubococcygeal muscle, providing two chic orbs to squeeze, release, and squeeze again.

Remember, Ben Wa balls do not disappear out the back door. As Lorelei Lee explained to a timid victim recently, “It’s a closed passage.”

See also: Buy at ErosBoutique

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