“Debbie Loves Dallas,” but that’s about it

This is an awful movie

Studio: Vivid-Alt
Director: Eon McKai
Cast: Cassidey, Dana DeArmond, Charlotte Stokely, Pixie Pearl, Tommy Pistol, James Deen, Julius Ceazher, Icarus Corpse, Daniel, Justin Syder, Monique Alexander

Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot

The band Dallas is coming to town, and Debbie and her friends will do anything to get at the frontman.

An Altporn reimagining of the 70’s Debbie Does Dallas, Eon McKai’s version is not going to make any converts to the steveporn stable of stars, all of whom do an amazing job of telegraphing how not seriously they take their jobs.

The eye rolling, gum smacking, bad posture, the delivery of every line as if it had a question mark at the end of it, and the relentless irony of the performances made me think less like I was watching a porn movie than I was substitute-teaching an eighth grade class.

All except Cassidey, who plays Debbie. The bad seed Vivid Girl (or so she is depicted in the Showtime/World of Wonder “reality” series “Debbie Does Dallas .. Again”), Cassidey alone seems to be making an effort to do her best with what is admittedly a porn script.

She and her pals (DeArmond, Stokely, and Pearl) meet at a music video shoot playing listless cheerleaders. They take a break and hang out with local ticket scalper/drug dealer Deeze, who takes a shine to Dana.

“I’m from East Los Angeles,” he says. “…so far east I have a New York accent.”

Back at Debbie’s place, Cassidey makes James Deen fuck Pixie as punishment for not cleaning the apartment. I don’t understand stevepornkid anthropology; if Deen had cleaned the house, would he have got to fuck Pixie twice?

Regardless, a good sex scene is always a welcome departure from bad acting, and a lack of dialogue takes one’s mind off the poor sound. We can hear the “record” button being pressed each time a performer speaks.

Meanwhile, we meet Punky of Dallas, whose mating dance seems to be the constant readjustment of his glasses. We are treated to Dallas’ music video, a trippy interlude that puts Punky in Deen’s place fucking Pearl.

A story element is added that the girls are fighting. Stokely versus Cassidey over Punky. Cassidey tells Stokely that the loser in their struggle will have to “go back to making porn in the Valley” (at this point I suddenly felt defensive of the Valley. “Well, these girls don’t seem so together, either,” I thought).

The groupies crash a recording session and Pearl and DeArmond hook up with the backup musicians. It’s like “The Wall,” except with MySpace bands. Two headscratchers of porn pseudonyms are featured in this scene: Julius Ceazher and Icarus Corpse. If I were 12, Icarus Corpse would be my band.

Down the hall, Cassidey and Stokely try to find Punky but are blocked by his bodyguard.

“I’ll introduce Punky to the one who sucks the best cock,” the bodyguard says. (Shouldn’t it be “sucks cock the best?”) Anyway, they blow him, but he betrays their trust. It’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock ‘n’ roll.

A surprise visit by Monique Alexander from Paul Thomas’ recent “Debbie” reimagining is every bit as exciting as when Gary Coleman did a cameo on “Silver Spoons” as Arnold Drummond. It is the Vivid contract girls who deliver the most inspired performances in this movie.

You might say, “But Dana DeArmond is the new Thinking Man’s Porn Star, and Charlotte Stokely was the face of suburban blight in Girls Lie. How is it that cookie cutter contract girls are so refreshing in this movie?”

Probably because the script was unequal to the talent of these people. At that point it became a personal choice whether to let the audience know. Cassidey made me forget the script, Dana drew attention to it.

In the end, Cassidey gets her man. Punky, played by Alex Gonz, and Cassidey provide a sweaty and messy ending to the movie, real porn as opposed to metaporn, which is a welcome relief.

Still, we could hear an offstage voice yell “Two minutes!” as Gonz worked up to his pop shot. I asked McKai if things other directors might smooth over—like stage directions—were included purposely in this movie.

“Truth to materials,” he said, quoting the architectural fad that prohibits gussying up building blocks. If that is true, why not have a split screen at all times showing what the crew is up to? What about a CNN news ticker or real-time L.A. traffic reports that would give insight into conditions on the set? Sometimes I think steveporn means never having to admit you’re phoning it in.

Buy “Debbie Loves Dalllas” here

The director’s reaction to my review

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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