Porn Valley is a cornucopia of tastes and smells, almost all water-based and pthalate-free. But what does the America’s Beloved Porn Journalist on a Budget do when he’s got four sets to cover in a day but doesn’t want to be limited to fast food?
He eats what the porn stars eat.
Like their better-financed clothed counterparts over the hill in Hollywood, porn productions don’t like it when visitors grab the food before the cast and crew can. So the prudent press professional, belligerent boyfriend, or seedy unibrowed cameraphone-toting and cologne-soaked owner’s brother in-law waits until the starlets have devoured their chicken parts before approaching the table himself.
I normally visit one porn set a week, but one day recently I visited four, taking my breakfast, lunch, and dinner within earshot or view of other people making tender love on various non-stick surfaces.
NOTE: I am keeping the names of the productions I visited anonymous. The pictures in this article are not from the sets I refer to, only appropriate pictures of Emily Evermore, Teagan Prseley, and Jenny Hendrix with food.
Breakfast
I arrive at the set of an Internet-only shoot in Van Nuys. There is coffee and two bananas. Glad I’m not doing anal later. The makeup lady and I talk for a while. Everyone is late due to Daylight Savings Time being implemented suddenly and without warning the weekend before.
“Has everyone eaten?” I ask.
“Go ahead,” she says, “Those bananas have been there for two days.”
Moral: No one eats breakfast here.
Lunch
As in Hollywood, lunch is the money shot meal, though “money shot meal” means different things depending on what room one happens to be standing in. Things are kept kosher that way, probably because porn is run by Jews.
It’s a scripted feature in the hills above Chatsworth, and I’ve had to park my car at the end of a long line of leased vehicles and hike the 30-degree grade to get to the rented porn house. I’ve been here many times before, once running over a snake in the road. The snake led me on a vision quest, but that is another story. Maybe even another website. One that Ray Manzarek would read.
Inside things are running about two hours behind, so three people are fucking in the bedroom at the top of the stairs, being filmed by a cameraman who is angry with the director.
“We were here until two this morning,” he tells me. “Don’t eat the bagels.”
I don’t know if one thing has anything to do with the other, but on a porn set it’s best to not find out.
There is a delicious spread of El Pollo Loco with plenty left over (this location is too far for other likely press suspects to travel). I get a plate, napkins, and cellophane-wrapped eating utensils. There are two 3-liter jugs of some Mexican soda that I take a pass on, getting a bottled water instead.
Somewhere the director is yelling at someone. This director likes to hear himself yell. His movies aren’t as good as he thinks they are, but I am sort of obligated to be here.
“Eating all our food?” the director asks me, hated by his crew. “Ha ha ha.”
“Making another shitty movie?” I say, not that obligated to be here. “Ha ha ha.”
I stay for another hour, take some pictures, do some interviews. I can almost guarantee the movie will never be released. But the food was good.
Snack
Down the hill I stop in at another set and smoke half a bone with a cast member. It’s an interracial movie. I am not drinking alcohol, so I remain functional, although one of the girls is mixing pomegranate juice with vodka, and it looks great.
15 minutes later, I happen to hear that the producer has not obtained a shooting permit for today, only yesterday. I take three pictures and leave, excusing myself politely.
The set gets busted about four hours after I leave, and everyone is sent home. I’m not saying I was a better person, DUI and all.
Dinner
Night falls on Porn Valley like venetian blinds with a couple of slats missing. Speaking of, I just have time to visit an Asian-themed movie and everyone has just eaten dinner at about 9 p.m. There are pizza remnants and someone has recently made coffee. It’s a savvy porn company that has such competent production assistants. I eat some salad and have a cocktail on the fire escape overlooking Northridge.
In fact, I am standing very close to the epicenter of the 1994 Northridge earthquake. I think of this whenever I visit this filming location, and lament the fact that I have never really felt an earthquake. Maybe tonight…
But it is not to be. Being anally penetrated on a couch nearby is a woman who, if she’s Asian, than I’m Asian (note: I’m not Asian). It doesn’t matter – this salad is still very crispy, and the croutons are excellent. I am sure the French introduced the Vietnamese to the crouton during the occupation, so I really feel culturally relevant. There are also Red Vines, cookies, apples, and chips.
Like my close personal friend Ice Cube says – and while I judiciously avoided the Fatburger – it was a good day. I drive by three In-n-Out Burgers on my way home, shaking my fist.
“I’ve cheated you again!” I say.
Zagat doesn’t know the places I go.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Barely Legal 75 – stacks of nudes spotted in Sun Valley; Misty Mountain Karch/Battle of Evermore; Teagan is nice to strippers
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist
