Everybody Does “Dallas”

Dallas XXX

Now and then a porn parody comes along that is more entertaining than the original. I always found “Dallas” reruns inscrutable and boring, wishing only for Charlene Tilton to do exactly what Alexis Ford does in this porn adaptation.

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Andre Madness
Starring: India Summer, James Deen, Alexis Ford, Eric Masterson, Bobbi Starr, Bill Bailey, Brooklyn Lee, Herschel Savage, James Bartholet, Ralph Long, Jack Lawrence, Ryan McClane, Michael Vegas, Kiki D’aire

Unscrupulous J.R. Ewing (Eric Masterson) has diversified Ewing Oil out from under his brother Bobby (James Deen). A soap opera that is perfectly suited to porny acting, the only thing that doesn’t just fall into place is the fact that for some reason the oil business in the United States is being nationalized, a la Mexico.

That is like a “Facts of Life” porn parody based in Navy SEAL school, or a “Happy Days” parody set in 2012. How can people porn-parody fuck in such artificial conditions?

That said, we watch a complex and fraught dialogue scene between the Ewing men and their male banker that is as intriguing as anything Larry Hagman and Patrick Duffy would have undertaken in the the 1980s, except we know that this one will eventually result in the Tiltoning of Alexis Ford.

Which happens in the very next scene.
Ford receives a hay-bale hoedown from Bill Bailey. The horses wonder who she is.

Meanwhile, the brunettes of the cast acquit themselves very well. Brooklyn Lee as Kristen and Bobbi Starr as Sue Ellen (forever threatened with the Sanitarium for Nymphomaniacs by J.R.) deliver great Southern accents and don’t have to stretch (their acting) too much to appear as perfect bored trophy wives.

All soap operas are campy, but “Dallas XXX” has extra bits of comedy, such as the offscreen voice of Ralph Long as Miss Ellie, the Ewing matriarch. “Good mornin’, Ho.”

With just enough—but not too much—soap opera camera angles and sound cues, “Dallas XXX” adeptly captures the spirit of that genre of prime-time soaps. The added sex and silliness are perfect complements to the attention to detail. James Bartholet, Ralph Long, and Jack Lawrence make great non-sex cameos (as does Kiki D’aire, with all-too-short a sex cameo), and it is great to see porn veteran Herschel Savage again.

Finally, like the recent Adam & Eve/Hustler co-production of “Jaws,” I liked that there was a marriage—in this case, the one between James Deen and India Summer—that remained sacrosanct, even as everyone else was fucking around. That touch of wholesomeness loaned more credibility to the rest of the movie, even as the government was taking sacred Texan oil.

Buy “Dallas XXX” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “Jaws 3D”—Nice Quint; Kiki D’aire’s own private “Camp Erotica”
See also: Adam & Eve

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