F.A.M.E. – America recognizes small asses – Uncomfortably Close with Gram Ponante

The first annual F.A.M.E. awards – and I hope there will be a second – took place over about 40 minutes at this weekend’s Erotica L.A.

The awards capped two months of pre-nominations, wild cards, write-ins, and voting in a web-based process chock full of checks and balances that was monitored by each of the sponsoring companies: Adam & Eve, WantedList, AVN, and Genesis Magazine.

While it may have been possible that some of the awards were massaged (it looks like Jenna Jameson might be retiring this year, and she picked up both Best Body and Best Actress), there was a great effort made in the past two months to underline the transparency of the fans’ involvement in the voting process.

The winners were:

Oral Starlet: Carmen Luvana
Anal Starlet: Taylor Rain
Best Breasts: Stormy Daniels
Best Butt: Jenna Haze
Adult Actress: Jenna Jameson
Adult Actor: Ron Jeremy
Rookie Starlet: Alektra Blue and Brandy Talore
Best Body: Jenna Jameson
Feature Movie: Digital Playground’s and Adam & Eve’s Pirates
Gonzo Movie: Evil Angel’s Belladonna: No Warning
Director: Jules Jordan
Porn’s Dirtiest Girl: Taryn Thomas

A certain amount of grumbling attends any awards show (Crash, McKenzie Lee), but there were only two complaints I heard about the F.A.M.E. awards, which were otherwise short and sweet.

One was Jenna Haze’s award. “She doesn’t even have an ass,” fumed FreePornStarPix‘ Tara.

“It’s just the way it changes/Like the shoreline to the sea,” I said.

The other concerned the host, a middle-aged Howard Stern protege named “Reverend” Bob Levy.

Levy was added to the show a few weeks after it was announced that Carmen Luvana and Tommy Gunn would be hosting.

The adult awards show model, as created by AVN, requires a C-list mainstream host. For a moment it seemed like F.A.M.E. organizers would spare fans the often awkward and repetitive jokes of a porn sniffer who had been flown in to bring his B game in the very mistaken expectation that the presence of even the lowest-rent mainstream personality would add credibility to the adult world.

(But they didn’t.)

I met Levy briefly prior to the show and he seemed pleasant.

Once he got to the stage, however, Levy took the easy way out. He mixed outright abuse with a tired but aggressive and backhanded affection for the porn stars he was compensated to pay tribute to.

This is how his jokes went:

“I love you, Ron Jeremy (abuse, fat jokes, hair jokes, abuse). I love you.”

Granted, Jeremy hears this shit every day of his life, and part of his survival is that his own shtick involves a heavy dose of self-deprecation. But if it is well-known that Jeremy does it already, so why steal his act?

“I love you (blonde porn star) (I want to blow a load in my sock). I love you.”

Again, as Levy himself said (ripping off every comedian I’ve seen at an adult function), “everybody masturbates”. The porn stars know it, they know that is how they earn their money, they know that is why thousands of fans paid 60 bucks each to show up to Erotica L.A. At a certain point wouldn’t it be a little more interesting to not hear about blowing loads into a sock?

But it was Levy’s treatment of civilians that shocked me personally.

Of an older man in the audience:

“Look at that creepy bastard. He probably jerks off and dust comes out.”

Of someone with glasses (more than once):

(and this one was close to my heart):

“Look at this creepy guy. I bet you eat your own ass. Do you burn ants with those glasses?”

When he accused an LAPD cop of gunpoint rape I thought it would be a good idea to leave.

It turns out that a cop did look for Levy after the show to ask him about the prudence and comic worthiness of randomly accusing a uniformed officer of rape, but Levy could not be found.

There were all manner of people at the convention in all shapes and sizes. Everyone let everyone else be. I question the self-esteem of an industry that continually thinks itself deserving of ringers who show up to artlessly insult it.

I love you, Bob Levy (unfunny hack). I love you.

So I think porn awards shows should be left to adult personalities or, at the least, hosted by someone like Kathy Griffin or Paul F. Tompkins who might conceivably talk about something else.

Best quotes of the show: