For the past several months I have been doing this little job of work for Playboy in which I take the five top-selling movies for that week at Gamelink.com and write an interesting blurb about each of them for Playboy Radio’s Lexi Stetzel to read. I call these the Fap 5 and Yes, I am That Clever.
People ask me all the time: Grams, how do you WRITE FOR WOMEN? The answer is that I am an intuitive old soul and I can intuit how Lexi will sound when she says something like “Anal Newbies.”
I know what I like, and you know what you like, but I always find it fascinating to see what everyone else likes. Gamelink assures me that they do not manipulate this data at all, so that what we see every Friday are, in fact, the most-played movies of the week. I’ll bring them to you each Friday because you deserve it.
Gamelink.com presents the FAP FIVE WEEKLY COUNTDOWN!
I guess it’s the Irish Curse. Other than Misha Cross, who looks a little pale, there are no Irish-themed pornos or performers in the St. Patrick’s week version of the Fap 5, though there are two Italian directors, and we always get those flags confused. Bonnie Rotten also appears twice. Maybe when you hear the words “Bonnie Rotten,” you could add “potato.” Either that or just brace yourself for a glorious onslaught of lesbians, asses, and lesbian asses.
Follow along as Playboy Radio’s Lexi Stetzel delivers the week’s most popular movies as determined by Gamelink customers.
Remember when your anus wasn’t a prolapsed red sock that looked like the clapper of a bell? “Anal Newbies” hopes to recapture that time, you perverts.
With his wife behind the camera, Mark Wood invites young ladies who haven’t had a lot of backdoor action to sample what a porn dude’s dick feels like “down there.” (OH, DIRTY!). How must wife Francesca Le feel when she sees her husband ploughing up, down, and through the ass of goofy rectal newcomer Alina West? My guess is that she soaks through a pair of panties and wishes she had a dick. I know that that’s how I felt.
Number Four returns for its second week on our countdown. Its:
KEVIN MOORE’S “TONGUE IN CHEEK 3“
You know when you see two lesbians going at it, grabbing mouthfuls of meaty labia between their teeth, rimming each other, 69’ing, and otherwise getting way up deep into each other’s business, and you’re all like: BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? Kevin Moore feels your pain, which is why he only lets those delightful lesbians get so far before stepping out from behind the camera (or at least holding the camera so you only see his schlong) and joining in. Because everyone knows that in porn, lesbians are only waiting around for the dick to show up. Ha ha! I’m only kidding. The dick and a paycheck.
Moving up two places from last week, our Fap 5 Threeway celebrates honesty and friendship. It’s:
Just the fact that there have been 17 other movies in this series should tell you that buttfucking someone’s daughter is MORE POPULAR THAN EVER! We thought this movie was delightful and it introduced us to redheaded Abby Rain, who fucked her dad’s best friend while her poor father was out of his mind wondering where his sweet little girl was. THAT’s drama.
This week’s Number Two doesn’t restrict itself to Number Two, if you know what I mean:
Oh, that Rocco Siffredi, Italian National Treasure and celebrated citizen of Just-Outside-Prague. Is there anything that guy can’t do? In “Rocco’s Perfect Slaves 6,” he even makes slavery seem acceptable. This movie is an international fuckfest featuring talent from here in the United States to the best in heavily-accened Eurofilthsters. Not only do Rocco and James Deen have their pants full with the likes of Misha Cross and Dahlia Sky, but watch Toni Ribas plough both Bonnie Rotten and Skin Diamond — which takes some doing, let me tell you.
Finally, entering the countdown at Number One is the return of another filthy Italian:
Speaking of Italians, Rocco’s good buddy Jazz Duro returns to these shores for the first time in five years to fuck all the girls he’s been reading about in Gamelink’s Naked Truth, like Jynx Maze, Phoenix Marie, Jillian Jansen, and Bonnie Rotten. We get the impression that Bonnie went right from Rocco’s rental to Jazz’s, in fact. There s a sense of abandon to Jazz Duro’s exertions that makes us think he might not be back for a while, because he crawls on these women like a starving man, and we can’t. fucking. blame him.