(A version of this article also appears on Gamelink’s Naked Truth)
Gamelink.com presents the 26th FAP FIVE WEEKLY COUNTDOWN!
Maybe because it’s Easter and Passover, this week’s Fap 5 is surprisingly tame. Yes, we have your secretary getting it up the poop chute (oh that’s right — it’s Greek Easter — and here and there people’s moms getting fucked by either Lexington Steele or a relative, but generally things are pretty vanilla this week, porn-wise. And that’s OK: you can’t have gaping tranny anus gangbang creampies every week.
Follow along as Playboy Radio’s Lexi Stetzel delivers the week’s most popular movies as determined by Gamelink customers.
When alien archaeologists sift through the remnants of our civilization sometime next month, no doubt they will scratch their transparent heads about the term “mother fucker” being used as an insult in 99 percent of situations except those pertaining to Lexington Steele, who simply fucks your mother and she likes it. In your face, aliens.
Number Four is a quaint sort of Andy Griffith-style porn where a guy turns on a camera and films women having sex with him:
MIKE ADRIANO’S “BANGING BEAUTIES 2”
Usuall what we get from prolific director Mike Adriano is some extravaganza of gaping and creampies and tentacles and pregnancy and whatnot, but with “Banging Beauties 2,” our friend is simply turning on the camera while temptresses like sassy vixen Jessa Rhodes ride on his cock until—as it says on the boxcover—”it erupts.” So a wholesome movie for Mike Adriano, finally. I hope they have it on Pay Per View at the Disneyland Hotel.
Our Fap 5 Threeway deals with the perils of gambling:
This is what our Hollywood colleagues call “High Concept.” What starts out as a simple, innocent, no-pressure strip poker game turns into an orgy. Now you might say, “Come on, don’t all strip poker games turn into orgies? Haven’t all MY strip poker games turned into orgies? Have I ever heard or read about a strip poker game that DIDN’T turn into an orgy?” And to you we say: “Stop questioning the magic of porn.”
Number Two possesses an arresting boxcover, especially when you consider the sexual harassment suit:
This movie also wins our Fap 5 for Best Boxcover. There’s the ass-tastic AJ Applegate in the remnants of a business suit pointing her bouncy white ass right at you. Also she’s wearing glasses, so you know she’ll do all the data entry afterward. “MY ANAL ASSISTANT 2” is one of those fantasy movies that you just can’t imagine happening at McDonald’s and, if it did, that would be gross.
Finally, making its debut at Number One is a collection of behind the scenes videos from our family Easter dinner:
Sporting an intriguing cover photograph of the enchanting Allie Rae, this 6-hour compilation of what the porn industry is calling “family parodies”—I’m serious—contains more self-conscious uses of the word “step” than you’d hear at the Braille Institute. Not that we don’t find thoughts of trysts with our hot stepsisters and stepmoms intriguing, but movies like “Taboo” just went ahead and said “Yeah, he fucked his mother” 30 years ago. You should watch it, though, because Allie Rae is way hotter than your mother.