This Week We Worry about Our Railroads

Fap 5

I’m here for you, Sammie.

(A version of this article also appears on Gamelink’s Naked Truth)

Our Fap 5 Weekly Countdown begins its inexorable trek into the triple digits of a Porn Valley summer. We are going to need all the tiny chicks and hot anuses we can carry, so hold on tight: WE’RE GOING IN.

Follow along as Playboy Radio’s Lexi Stetzel delivers the week’s most popular movies as determined by Gamelink customers.

Like detectives — who are sometimes known as dicks — we can use the process of deduction to figure out the genre of this week’s first movie:

WHITE MOMMAS FIVE

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That’s right, “White Mommas 5” is an interracial MILF movie! If it were called “Black Mommas Five” you couldn’t be guaranteed it would be interracial, but since Elegant Angel went through the trouble of saying women like the devastating Romi Rain were white and that they were “mommas,” well you know that black guys would be fucking hot milves or that black guys would be fucking women who drove 18-wheelers in the 70s. Pretty sure it’s the first one.

Slipping from Number Two (which is better than slipping ON Number Two) is the latest installment in a beloved series about the ass:

JULES JORDAN’S ASS WORSHIP 16

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The first image that caught my eye on this ass-tastic cover was that of the sassy and assy Anikka Albrite, but then when my eyes adjusted to all the ass I spied the ultra-bendy Mia Malkova right up there in the top middle and knew that that was the scene I felt compelled to see. IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.

Our Fap 5 Threeway this week features two debaucherous scenes of wives being served up fresh to a bunch of their husbands’ friends:

MY HOTWIFE’S GANGBANG

FAP 5

Read my review here.

You like your wife, right? You want to share her? Great! How about with a bunch of dudes? Cool! Now you’ve got both a hotwife and a gangbang at the same time! What’s next, “My BBW Hotwife Asian MILF Interracial Tranny Gangbang”? Or is that too PBS?

Debuting at Number Two is our Creepy Title of the Week winner:

EXXXTRA SMALL CHICKS FUCKING EXTRA LARGE DICKS ELEVEN

FAP 5 GAMELINK

As winsome and lovely as she looks to me, I can’t help but think that little Sammie Daniels is in fact exhibiting grim determination in the boxcover photo of this movie.

Ms. Daniels sits sheepishly on a bed, wearing nothing but socks and an air of expectation and perhaps the dawning of the feeling that this might not go well, as if a train is about to jump off the tracks down by the river, come all the way up her suburban street, pass her mom drinking coffee in the kitchen, knock down her bedroom door, and fuck the shit out of her. That is how little Sammie Daniels looks on the cover of this movie: Like she is about to get FUCKED by a TRAIN.

This week’s Top of the Faps finds a good friend returning with the thing he likes best:

MIKE ADRIANO’S ANAL HOTTIES


FAP 5 GAMELINK

I’m just going to bring this up now and then I won’t mention it again. Are we to assume that, because there’s a movie called “Anal Hotties,” that there’s a movie in some Bizarro Universe called “Rectal Rejects”? The idea that there’s an “Anal Hotties” out there makes us wonder what state some of those other anuses were in (we’re thinking Maine).

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