Fellaters Gotta Fellate: “The Art Of Blowjob” is a tough act to swallow

PREAMBLE AND DISCLAIMER: Let’s not talk about porn for a moment, Ladies, let’s talk about real life; let’s talk about me. Fellatio is a highly-valued skill because it is a service that requires both mastery and trust; your fellatio partner (or Blowjobject) can’t do all the things he usually does to stimulate himself inside your body, and must instead trust you to finish him off. He must be comfortable relaxing in your presence.

I’m not the biggest fan of blowjobs as the main course because it’s only the odd situation where I wouldn’t rather have full immersion. It’s rare I seek out a blowjob for its own sake, but when I do it’s all about temporospatial concerns; blowjobs in restroom stalls, blowjobs in work cubicles, blowjobs in airplane bathrooms.

Situations like this are fun because I finally get it that I’m not supposed to reciprocate. “Sometimes we just want to give blowjobs and want nothing in return but a mouth full of semen,” said a spokesperson for All Women recently.

It was in this reverie that I received Camille Crimson’s “The Art of Blowjob.” At first I was wary because the title itself seemed a little precious; you could smell the scented oils rising from it, and feel the presence of a nearby cinderblock bookcase full of half-read Norton Anthologies from college. When I get blowjobs it’s really situational; dirty drunk women with something to prove, not medicine women with jangly bracelets ringing their thin wrists.

That’s what the title “The Art of Blowjob” conjured up for me, anyway.

But then I actually watched the movie and now want to find someone just like Camille Crimson. I want to move to Quebec and buy a red Poang.

“The Art of Blowjob” opens with a black and white fellatio montage backed by a noirish trumpet solo. I expected the following voiceover:

I never thought I was going to make it out of Chatsworth alive; maybe the Lamplighter had a bottomless cup of coffee but it was stingy with its secrets. I’d just left an extra quarter tip for Mabel with the sexy harelip when she walked in. She was All Mouth, and I was toast. “Toast is extra,” Mabel said.

Crimson and her boyfriend, Mike Flirt, are the directors and stars of this loving, playful, and watchable movie that is all about comfort, taking one’s time, and being at one’s ease. In what appears to be a sunlit, lived-in apartment, Crimson and Flirt run through several interludes that do nothing if not emphasize their easy chemistry. Or maybe he’s a Quebecois separatist and she’s a wide-eyed transplant from McGill and they can only connect over blowjobs. Whichever it is, it’s good.

This is not an instructional video insofar as there’s no one telling us what to do, but we watch Crimson making as much contact with her eyes and body as she does with her mouth and hands, and that’s important. There’s no rough stuff or irrumatio (face fucking), just real-world examples  that have nothing to do with my own hasty Blowjob Best Practices.

Some scenes find her naked, others in a polka dot pinup dress or a low-cut sweater. It’s difficult to pick a favorite, but a scene where she wears a pink terrycloth bathrobe is evocative of carefree times.

Crimson’s red hair looks great in the sun and we think that she must remind elderly gentlemen of wholesome USO girls being saucy for the war effort.

“The Art of Blowjob” was as pleasant a surprise as a blowjob itself. Not only is it beautiful to watch, but we get the feeling that it would be a great photo album for the couple.

• Buy “The Art of Blowjob” here

NOTE: Since I received my copy, the cover was changed to include an additional definite article. Perhaps producers did not want fellatio enthusiasts to make unfortunate comparisons with “The Art of War.”

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: A BJ for Effort: Fellatio makes the heart grow fonder; “Fellatio” by jessica drake: How to give a Wicked blowjob; Bobbi Starr’s ‘boe job
See also: Camille Crimson