Parts of this story are untrue
LAS VEGAS—Crowned the 60th Miss USA this weekend in Las Vegas, California’s Alyssa Campanella has absolutely never appeared in public or on film having sex, simulating it, or inspiring thoughts of it.
“This is Miss USA,” said pageant president Donald Trump. “Not Miss Whore.”
By comparison to her competitors, Campanella deftly answered questions about medical marijuana and the teaching of evolution in schools without once getting ropes of semen deposited on her face. Her green evening gown was not thrown up over her hips to accommodate seven black men, she did not have an interspecies 3-way with Miss Alabama and Miss Massachusetts, and her knees remained unsullied due to the lack of a blowbang performed on the casino floor of Planet Hollywood.
Longtime pageant fans were shocked earlier this year when Trump announced that the bukkake and creampie segments of the competition would be removed to save time.
“All these young women are consummate professionals,” said Trump at the time, “but it has become increasingly difficult to get 30 to 40 men to ejaculate on cue, on camera, under network time limits. We’re hoping to keep the handjob competition for Miss Universe in Brazil, however.”
So it was that Campanella, who looks slightly like porn performer Tori Black, became the first Miss USA in several years who had not appeared in a “Barely Legal,” “Dirty Debutantes,” or “American Goo Goblins.”
“It’s important that women can have breast implants, answer silly questions while wearing a crown, and parade in swimsuits without being thought of as sexual objects,” Campanella said. “This pageant is about denying impulses in others, whether they be sexual ones or taking-me-seriously ones.”
Still, the fact that Campanella has not once worked for Kink.com or Brazzers struck fellow contestants as strange.
“She didn’t know what a popshot was,” marveled Miss Kentucky. “Much less a Fake Internal Popshot.”
But Trump imagines a world in which a woman can receive several good-size loads to her face and still not be thought of sexually.
“Miss USA isn’t about that,” said Trump. “It’s about poise and elegance and answering questions about conservation. Besides, you can’t get face-pregnant.”
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Ashley Fires does; “Sanatorium”: In the desert, you can remember you’re Tabitha Stevens
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist
“Parts of this story are untrue”
http://gramponante.com/niche-alerttm-the-nipless-fuck/
Did I necessitate this?
I hadn’t seen a picture of Ms. Campanella prior to now, and was none too impressed judging on that second picture: someone seems to have caught her bad…face. Here’s a photo of her that I think we can all appreciate : http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cf/Alyssa_Campanella_2010.jpg
Love the line-matching diagram.
No, but now and then I get a little antsy so I employ some flimsy CYA measures.
Being a beauty queen is only a years work – porn is work in progress and lasts a lifetime. Asexual beauty queens are not beautiful – if a woman lacks sensuousness and seductiveness she is of no use.