Porn movie dialogue is never as good as the conversation running in your head. The moving images spooled out before you would often be better served either with silence or a more robust, relevant, and personalized script. That blessed hour has arrived!
Today I am launching Flash Interior Pornography, or FIP (not to be confused with the foundational Fake Internal Popshot) in which I combine images I shot myself over a ridiculous amount of years in the porn industry with alternative narratives that better channel what I may have been thinking whilst poised at various vulvular parallaxes. I will also endeavor to provide metadata for the images like general location, year and, if the image was from a movie set I was working on, the title of the movie and where to get it. I am trying to find a reputable streaming/DVD service that offers these moves for a decent price, so I might need to come back and add a link here and there.
On this page I will provide the template, starring the inestimable and oft-misspelled Bree Olsen.
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You have someone new over. It’s important to be your authentic self, always, but she’s taking a risk here; you want to be extra-sensitive to what she needs and her highly-evolved aesthetic sense because 1.) she’s a human being and 2.) she smells good, etc.
You take care with her coffee—you angle the mug handle toward her, as you are a Gentleman. But you accidentally overfill your own cup. You cannot join her at the table with your coffee cup set to spill like this, so you say, as is your wont, “It’s coming over the rim.”
Without touching the mug with your hands, you halve your mighty frame as you bend to the steaming cup of coffee on the faux-granite countertop, placing your lips on the rim and slurping an appropriate—but not obscene—amount of coffee down.
For a moment you consider how this might look if you maintained eye contact with her but you are subtle, though no one would call you demure. Lewdness has its place, and will come later.
You safely pick up your coffee cup and join her.
“Got myself out of a tight spot,” you say.
“We’ll see,” she says.