Fire in the Loins!—Alyssa Branch

Alyssa Branch in them Daisy Dukes

Whenever I see someone dressed like 20-year-old Detroit native Alyssa Branch, in the country trash uniform popularized by Daisy Duke, Ellie Mae Clampett, and young Dolores Haze, I mix up the first few lines of “Lolita” (“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.”) with the grenade warning “Fire in the Hole!”

It’s an understandable mistake.

Dressed that way, I think Alyssa Branch should walk into rooms yelling “Fire in the Loins!”

Branch is getting ready for a scene with Tony DeSergio. For this purpose, a couch is set up in the middle of a warehouse. If you watch nothing but porn films, you would think that warehouses only have couches, towels, and tarps for people to fuck on.

She squeezes her belly, which may or may not contain a Twinkie.

“I’m a chubby bunny,” she says.

She’s not fishing for a compliment. The thing that pops into my head, the thing that is inappropriate for me to say because I’m not about to be paid $400 for an anal scene with her, is “I’m going to fuck that false body dysmorphia right out of your mouth.”

The previous night I had seen her in some flowing linen ensemble, ordering pizza for everyone, but today she is arrayed like Jailbaitica Maxima. She is supposed to saunter into the darkness of the warehouse from a lit room, looking like a porny Close Encounter sucking a lollipop.

“You’re not selling me on the chubby bunny thing,” I say.

“It works on the 38-year-old guys,” she says.

Then she is supposed to flop on the couch and await the inevitable. As the cameras are set up, she texts in her sneakers.

In the porn version of things, she is texting “PLZ BRNG MORE GUM :)” but in reality it’s probably “I’ve got an investors’ meeting at 3.”

Branch plays against type in Mike Quasar’s excellent “How To Make A Cheap Porno” (review coming shortly) and talked about tending chickens in the San Joaquin Valley as part of the “Young Mouth Club.” But today, everyone from her scene partner to the couch she’s fucking on is twice her age.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: You can’t fake a “Young Mouth”; Humb Day with Lupe Fuentes
See also: Alyssa Branch on Twitter

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

1 Comment

  1. “Jailbatica Maxima”

    According to Google, that’s all you. I shall steal the spelling-corrected version for myself. Danke!

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