Freud: When having sex near a metaphor, Tragen Sie Turnschuhe

Freud urges footwear[/caption]In “Hustler’s Public Affairs,” two couples have sex next to a metaphor. The metaphor-adjacent double blowjob, or Doppelfellatiometapherbeinahe, aroused interest from long-dead Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud.

“Tragen Sie Turnschuhe, Dumkopfen!” shouted the irritable Father of Psychoanalysis, dead from jaw cancer these seven decades. “Wear sneakers!”

The necessity of thousands of pointy little rocks abutting metaphors is the cause of hundreds of blowjob-related injuries yearly, says a spokesperson for CalOSHA.

Adds Freud, “I don’t know the German word for ‘kneepads.'”

Upon viewing the film in his North London crypt, Freud was upset that neither of the fellatios was completed by mouth. In both cases, the male partner pulled out and masturbated to completion upon his co-star’s face and neck.

“Since the etiology of the neuroses is given by way of the conflict between infantile sexuality and the opposition of the ego (repression) masturbation,” the eminent thinker said, “which is only an executive of infantile sexuality, cannot a priori be presented as harmless.”

Speaking for the Boulder-headquartered National Coalition of Metaphors, which administers geysers, moist patches of hot, wet sand, skyscrapers with visible veins, and your mother, Loup Perch-Tounge reminds us that having sex near something that itself represents having sex can lead to twins.

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