Future scientists puzzle over why porn “Terminator” doesn’t jizz hydraulic fluid

"Maria! I'm sorry!"

“Maria! I’m sorry!”


Now that former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to appear in “Terminator 5,” Hustler has seen fit to release a parody of the film that got the franchise started, but without Mary Carey (Schwarzenegger’s onetime rival for the governor’s seat), veteran gangbang performer Arnold Schwarzenpecker, Lee Stone from the “Conan the Barbarian” parody, or even Tera Patrick, who played Schwarzenegger’s role in the parody of “The Expendables.”

Terminator19Studio: Hustler
Director: Axel Braun
Starring: Dick Delaware, Shylar Cobi, Bailey Blue, Brendon Miller, Leya Falcon, Melina Mason, Brett Rossi, Julia Ann

“Terminator XXX” isn’t the best porn parody, but it has some intriguing meta-porn moments.

It is telling that the only rules porn parodies follow is a lengthy disclaimer included on each feature that limits the liability of the production company against claims by producers of the source material. So Hustler, Dreamzone, New Sensations, etc. will stress that “This is A Parody and is not endorsed by (say) James Cameron.” Beyond that, viewers are on their own.

Some parodies stand on their own and do not require the viewer to have any knowledge of the original. Some make an effort to fill in the gaps, and some, like “Terminator XXX,” assume that the audience has a pretty good knowledge of the Arnold Schwarzenegger franchise.

Dick Delaware (not Arnold Schwarzenpecker, a gonzo porn staple of the early 2000s) stars as The Terminator, a robot from the future sent to kill Sarah Connor, the mother of a robot-killing resistance fighter. Delaware materializes, in naked humanoid form, in an alley in which a gangbang is already taking place. He watches, impassive, while two dudes fuck a nice lady on a car, then he steals their clothes.

As director Axel Braun has already cleverly used the same sets for a straight and gay version of “Dracula,” the gay potential of “Terminator,” especially with this female-optional opening scene, seems apparent.

Delaware searches the fleshpots of 2029 Los Angeles to find Sarah Connor but finds as many mistakes as my Experian report. This sets the stage for a few sex scenes. Why he does not 1. ejaculate hydraulic fluid and/or 2. kill the false Sarah Connors rather than fucking them is a narrative mystery.

Into the mix comes John Reese (Brendon Miller), a resistance fighter from the future sent to save Sarah Connor and ensure the birth of the rebel leader. He locates the real Sarah Connor (the beautiful Bailey Blue) and the film avoids an expensive and awkward exposition scene, skipping instead to this dialogue:

“So basically. What you’re saying is. I’m the mother of. The King? Of the Future?”

Miller is directed to play Reese for comedy, but the movie is so half-hearted already (most of the scenes are so dark they appear to be a Wicked film), and the script so weak, that it often falls flat, but not for lack of trying.

The best bits come toward the end, where the film makes the Sophie’s Choice between the obligatory pop shot and the narrative necessity of Reese impregnating Sarah with the future hero of the resistance.

Think about it: If Reese goes the porn route and comes on Sarah Connor’s face, how will she get pregnant with The King? Of the Future?

Later, when the Terminator is crushed in an industrial compactor, we see that one part of him is still, like SkyNet, self-aware.

This movie is a tough sell, but for the scenes with False-Connor Julia Ann and Bailey Blue. Delaware doesn’t have all that much to do, Miller is given poor direction, and the special effects throw light on the half-assedness of the movie as a whole.

It is obvious, though, that a lot of work and professionalism went in to “Terminator XXX” (which comes in a 3-D version, too). We can’t discount the whole movie just because it aimed too high. It’s high-profile pictures like this that could really benefit from a meatier script and more thoughtful direction.

Buy “Terminator XXX” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Adult industry moves to Maine instead; A World Lit Only By Fire On Hiugh—”Conan” set free by ELO; Does being a cad affect the ability to lead?
See also: Hustler

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