At a tearful ceremony this morning at the Lamplighter Restaurant, the grant-funded National Institutes of Pornographic And Pornotextual Arts presented their Oscars of Porn, the first and most prestigious adult awards of the year.
“Don’t do drugs,” said noted porn journalist Gram Ponante.
“Ever since the Institutes instituted this institution, the cash and blowjobs have been flowing in,” Ponante added. “And frankly, I’m about spent from everything that’s been flowing out.”
Ponante demonstrated this depletion in the only way he knew how for a vocal contingent of foreign press.
“Stay in school,” Ponante said, unraveling for a Belgian camera crew.
The Oscars of Porn were named for Oscar Goldman, Steve Austin’s boss in the Six Million Dollar Man. NASA and JPL estimates concluded in 1983 that wounded astronaut Austin’s cyborg rejiggering only cost $1.2 million, indicating that Goldman’s assessment of the bionic man’s worth was irrationally exuberant. Thus a perfect fit for porn.
“Our hearts go out to our nation’s military,” Ponante said.
2008 Excellence in Adult And/Or Erotic Entertainment Honors
Porn Movie of the Year
The Texas Vibrator Massacre
“Just about everything a porn movie should have is neatly packed into Rob Rotten’s instant classic. The title alone says it doesn’t take itself too seriously, yet the movie proves better than most grindhouse movies in that all the women you want to see naked actually become that way. And then, conveniently, they become dead. In this way, your ancestors are not shamed. So what if it’s not original? Tobe Hooper would have wanted Roxy DeVille naked, too.”
Think-piece of Ass of the Year
O2: The Surrender of O
“Juicy submissive Bree Olson tops from the bottom in the second excellent O movie from Ernest Greene. There’s sealing wax, contracts on heavyweight paper, weeping, sage advice from Nina Hartley, excellent performances from Kayden Kross and Mika Tan, and Tommy Gunn as a bathrobe-wearing ne’er-do-well freeloader playing myself.”
Conspicuous Cumsumption Award
Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge
“‘Don’t you know we’re in a goddamn recession?’ I shouted at the lavish Pirates 2 premiere, in which each attendee was given $1,000 cash and Tera Patrick’s social security number, then was driven home by Jesse Jane. Everyone should have a copy of Pirates 2 not only because it is one of the most expensive porn movies ever made but also because it looks it, with Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, Belladonna, and Jenna Haze working their asses off, only to have them fucked back into place.”
Best Couples’ Film
Slave 01
“Moxie Maddron is kept in the utility closet of a comfortable Porn Valley home by Eric Swiss in this intimate film by feel-good director Mike Ramone. Ramone joins Eli Cross, Mark Kulkis, and Heidi Pike-Johnson as former AVN editors who direct movies, and he delivers a character study that is as heartwarming as a Pixar film. Mark my words: Ramone will be the country’s biggest exporter of hugs and smiles in ’09.” Honorable Mention: Joey Buttafuoco Caught On Tape. “While it was – shocking! – staged, I believed the ‘I love you.'”
Best Bush
The Crash Pad
“While director Shine Louise Houston’s series about a wiretapped San Francisco apartment used by itinerant sex-having lesbians might concern First Amendment activists, it is Porn’s most enduring legacy to our 43rd president.” Honorable Mention: The Bush Administration. “It’s like pubic hair for straight people!”
Best Travelogue
Miles from Needles
“Huell Howser would be impressed with Savanna Samson’s in depth study of the California hinterlands and its colorful characters. A movie awash in death, rednecks, and boobies, Miles from Needles features excellent performances by Kimberly Kane and April Blossom, and is even better than ario Argento’s Hesperia.”
Most Earnest Porn without Sasha Grey in It, Though Luckily It Has Madison Young
The Whore Within Me
“Like atoms, whores just are. We needn’t explain what makes someone a whore, we just need to let whores go off and be whorish without comment or examination. If we break down the whore to her component protons and electrons, we risk a spermonuclear reaction.”
If By ‘Oven’ You Mean ‘Vagina,’ Well, Then Yes She’s Got One in the Oven Award
Nina Hartley’s Great Sex During Pregnancy
“The Future No-Name Jane is knocked up and up in this movie, which says that you can’t get a woman pregnant enough.”
Glass Ceiling Award
Mother of the Year
“Used to be that having children meant the end of a woman’s career. Not any longer. With California’s 1997 MILF Statutes finally being enforced, the sky’s the limit for women unsatisfied with the limitations of Entrance Only vaginas.”
You Can Leave Your Shirt On Award
circa ’82
“Whether it’s a style choice or they’re all burn victims, these girls are bottomless like a good cup of coffee throughout this movie, featuring appearances by members of the Circle Jerks and the Germs.”
Comeback of the Year (pt. II) Award
Tricia Devereaux in Defend Our Porn
“Performing in the one original scene in an excellent 3-disc compilation set meant to defray Evil Angel’s court costs in its recent obscenity case, the delightful Devereaux just might make you defray all over yourself.”
Triple-crossed by a Tranny Award
Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass!
“This movie dramatically illustrates a disturbing trend in our neighborhoods that is killing our fish and ducks: Abducted by dominatrices, fey but otherwise innocent men will be further humiliated/stimulated when the domme reveals a tranny lurking in the wings.”
Robert Fulghum Award
Stoya: Deeper 11
“Stoya’s facial expressions give the impression that what is happeing to her is unexpected, whether she is ordering pierogies or being sodomized. This allows her to maintain her sense of wonder. Everything you need to know you can learn propped atop Stoya’s near-translucent hillocks.”
Best Hentai And Pickup Line
Night When Evil Falls I
“I’ll let these tentacular underpants-probing Japanese animated professionals speak for themselves –
- The water is absorbing the magic – the magic that is in your pussy juice!
- You’re a vulgar girl who loses control to a swollen clit, aren’t you, Girl? I’ll show you the discipline of Calderos!
and
- For a tomboy, you’re curvy with a girlish body. But your tits are small.
“Try out any and all of these at the Saddle Ranch. Get there early for a good table. For many in Los Angeles, being on time requires the discipline of Calderos!”
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: 2007 Awards; 2006 Awards
One of the most funny posts I have read so far this year. Thanks! I needed that…
I tried the “magic in the water” line on a girl at El Coyote. She merely blinked at me and said “I thought it was bottled.”