I am not saying that the marketing geniuses at Digital Playground orchestrated the recent unpleasantness with Somali pirates and Saudi-owned oil tankers to coincide with the release of Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge. I am just pointing out that each time an Island Fever hits the shelves, there is a Micronesian hurricans, tsunami, volcanic eruption, or banana republic coup.
In any case, I am happy to announce that loyal Gram Ponante readers are first in line to receive the Deluxe 4-disc Pirates 2 DVD package as part of that movie’s worldwide promotion. That’s a $60 value – almost absolutely free!!
Q. Grams, what do you mean by “almost absolutely free”?
A. Well, Billy, it means that there is a task you must undertake and perform it better than some of your peers and within a specific time frame in order to be rewarded with this worthwhile movie, of which America’s Beloved Porn Journalist, Gram Ponante, said, “So the thrill you got to see added footage of Minas Tirith when the ‘Return of the King’ Extended Edition came out you can now feel when you see even more of Belladonna’s colon.” In other words: a contest.
Just write a limerick, haiku, epic poem, sonnet, song, or doctoral thesis about Jesse Jane, Belladonna, Shay Jordan, Stoya, or Katsuni and post it (or its URL) to the comments section of this post no later than Friday, December 5.
At that time I will select the ten best and those winners will be sent the booty, provided they are over 18 and live in a region where it is legal to ship a movie in which Belladonna’s moneymaker is so clinically examined so often and with such relish. All entries shall be exclusive to this site, though I will credit the authors.
Buy Pirates 2 now (but why would you? Enter the contest and get it for free!)
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2 review; Pirates 2 star-studded theatrical premiere
See also: Digital Playground
Time for some Haiku!
Sweet pirate Stoya
Needs a jolly rogering
Plunder that booty
Here’s my impromptu limerick:
Jesse Jane in Pirates 2 does smoulder
And ne’er does she turn a cold shoulder
But still I’m aghast
And am forced to ask
“So where is Janine Lindemulder?”
Arrr, it be a two-fer:
That feisty she-pirate called Bella
Was terribly fond of her fella,
With a bottle of rum,
She filled up her bum,
Then shook it like really firm jella.
Jesse the Wench was a cutie
With spectacular tits and that booty,
She knelt down and blew men,
Both captains and crewmen,
From LA to eastern Djibouti.
STOYA
Cool porcelain winter
Eyes smile, mouth inviting in
Engorging desire
Avast! Here be a Pirates 2 shanty!
Out on the seas in salty air
If swords and cocks you find no match
A pirate of maidens not-so-faire
Should plunder this bevy of ample snatch:
Jesse Jane with breasts so buoyant
BellaDonna with rump so prime
Katsuni’s dirty thoughts clairvoyant
Stoya’s moans can keep the time
Shay Jordan no stranger on knees
Tho surely she’s not the last
Look to yonder port if you please
Yet more lovelies still fill the cast:
Shyla Styles will dance burlesque
Sasha Grey your wenchy bimbo
Abby Brooks so Rubenesque
And Jenna Haze looks best akimbo!
Keep your Johnson in hand at ready state
For this jaunty tale that’s told with class
You’ll gladly trade your pieces of eight
For THOSE eight pieces of ass!
Though chest may be fake,
The challenge is long and hard–
Somali Pirates
Stagnetti’s Revenge.
Will it make it’s money back?
Wouldn’t count on it.
Ahem,
There was a young woman named Jesse Jane
Who had much experience working a cane
I tried to think of a line involving Nantucket
Aw, fuck it
Instead I’ll raise a glass champagne for this girl with a surname of Jane
Though Stagnetti’s ship may have sunk,
He’ll come back in ways no one thunk,
And so I can see
it on DVD,
I’m writing this limerick whilst drunk.
and a haiku:
fake boobs weren’t in style
in the nineteenth century.
Stoya’s look? perfect.
A couple of limericks for good measure
Jesse Jane’s chest provides ballast
If the ship suffers cannonball damage
Though her carpet and drapes
Don’t match when she gapes
I have doubts that she’d be embarrassed
Belladonna will show you her colon
Getting worked out until it’s quite swollen
She likes sex that’s rough
And can’t get enough
Of the punishment Jesse is doling
Stoya’s a modern day beauty
With a creamy skinned tight little bootie
And pert natural breasts
Her beauty arrests
All who see her (unless they’re quite fruity)
Katsuni has looks most exotic
Though her fake breasts are far from erotic
Her surgeon was drunk
When he blew these things up
But like all boobs they’re still quite hypnotic
Any winner declared, or did this contest collapse in apathy?
Thank you for playing!
Will these WINNERS please send their names, snail mail and e-mail addresses, and the following declaration to gram [that symbol that means “at”] gramponante.com
I, [name], am at least 18 years old and it is legal in this county and city to ship pornographic materials to this address.
Heathb
Kiddex
Banshee
PC
SuperEdco
HRE
Gaby
Alx
Gruppie
hads444
Please let me know what your posting handle was, too.
Your Pirates 2 DVDs will be shipped to you by Digital Playground shortly.