I feel like I know all of these people, but I don’t like any of them. That’s the beauty of fine acting.
Studio: Big Primpin’ Productions
Director: Paul Sapiano
Starring: Mario Diaz, Dominique Purdy, Richie Blair, Nicholas Mongiardo Cooper, Eli Jane, Jenae Alt, Christine Nguyen, Jacqui Holland, Suzy Kaye, Fabio, Carmen Palumbo, Robin Bain, Aneliese Kelly, Jessica Anderson, Chanel Ryan, Camille Solari, Tia Barr, Jessica Hardulak, Brad Williams, Tyler Faith, Sienna West, Brooke Haven, Shyla Stylez
Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot
It’s the boys against the girls as two gangs of detestable Hollywood trash play a Los Angeles version of Dangerous Liaisons. Our consolation? Half of them get boobs, but all of them will get old. (But not Fabio.)
Writer/director Paul Sapiano’s previous feature, “The Boys’ And Girls’ Guide to Getting Down,” painted a post-“Swingers” and “Go” version of Hollywood that was familiar and sometimes poignant. The movie itself was a how-to guide to navigating youth and expendable income between Hollywood and Sunset.
In “Hollywood Sex Wars,” we meet a similar cast of characters, but this time it is their tribal chieftains who hand down the science. Chief among them is Johnny Eyelash (Mario Diaz), whose own trials in love have required him to regard dating as a transaction.
Ditto the Wendys, the leaders of a girl gang called the T.O.B. (we don’t find out what that means until later). The Wendys, too, have been burned before, so unite similar hot chicks to create a “DaterBase” of the Hollywood douchebags who prey on their kind.
“There’s a war going on in Hollywood every night,” we are told at the opening of “Hollywood Sex Wars.” “Boys trying to get laid, and girls trying to get paid.”
Damn. Put that way, it almost doesn’t sound fun. Even with witty lines like:
“Johnny Eyelash got more game than a pheasant hunt.”
“It’s like we’re prostitutes,” one says.
“What’s your point?” says the other.“If I sell (cocaine), I can actually start rapping about it.”
“She puts the Ho in homeless.”
“We don’t have seeds to spread, but we do have legs”
Review continues after gallery:
While the movie is filled with clever observations of how people behave while prowling for sex, and is redolent of “The Plan” and “The Rules” And “The Game”-style tactics of improving odds with the opposite gender, we don’t feel sympathy for the characters, even when confronted with the knowledge of their general emptiness. Theirs appears to be the American Way our enemies want to destroy.
There is plenty of cocaine and some of Fabio.
But “Hollywood Sex Wars” is a smart movie and a cagey one, aimed straight at a late-nite cable or Netflix release and, with limited editing, network dollars. And its characterizations are so dead-on that people outside of Los Angeles should love it for its anthropological value without having to actually meet the archetypes at the Beauty Bar one night.
Blink and you will miss Porn’s Shyla Stylez, Sienna West, Brooke Haven, and Tyler Faith as the topless ringers, but savor the knowledge that cocaine should at least get you a blowjob.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “The Boys And Girls Guide to Getting Down”
See also: Hollywood Sex Wars
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