Hulk Smear! or: “Iron Man” deficiency

For all the obvious work that went into this one, “Iron Man XXX” is further proof that Something Else Making Money shouldn’t be the sole justification to launch a porn parody of it.

Studio: Extreme Comixxx
Director: Sinister X
Starring: Seth Gamble, Heather Starlet, Dick Chibbles, Chanel Preston, Alec Knight, Amber Rayne, Gracie Glam

Assuming that people who buy (or download) parodies have seen the original movie and want to experience a sexed-up version, Extreme Comixxx’s “Iron Man” parody (which by rights should be called the “Iron Man 2 Into The Avengers” parody, as it begins after the action of the first movie and includes Hulk ) still asks us to make a lot of leaps. Why, for example, does Tony Stark (Seth Gamble) share the lovely journalist Tanya Tate with driver/manservant Happy (Dick Chibbles)? That’s not the way Marvel Stark rolls.

And it just goes downhill from there, but not for lack of ambition.

“Iron Man XXX” clearly has a lot of geek cred behind it. When Amber Rayne shows up as Madama Masque, evil Hulk in tow, and collaborates with Hammer Industries to overthrow Tony Stark, that’s some serious fan fiction right there. Because Madame Masque exists only in comic books at this point.

But the “Iron Man” movies were such technophilic popcorn flicks that even recent advances in porn film aptitude don’t go very far, and the production, which cost a lot by porn standards, still looks low rent.

As Tony Stark, Seth Gamble either lacks charisma or is simply overburdened by a fanboy script that had no hope of being realized with porn’s limitations. Sure he can’t be Robert Downey Jr., but the dude’s a porn star—why did director Sinister X allow the lead character to deliver a charmless performance?

At least Heather Starlet compensates as a tastier Pepper Potts than the original, which is the only thing that matters in a porn movie. Still, would it have killed the producers to keep Hulk from greening up Chanel Preston’s arm?

And I might be wrong here, but when in the “Iron Man” movies does Tony Stark take a night flight through New York?

Review continues after gallery:

If you wonder how porn movies that are less-than-slam dunks make money, join the club.

There must be a hidden porn revenue stream that I don’t know about that makes a movie like “Iron Man XXX” financially viable, because this production is permeated with a sense of “Why Bother?”

While Amber Rayne is always impressive and Chanel Preston always surprising, I’d like to have just seen this cast do something less strenuous, like a “Big Chill” parody, where the technical requirements didn’t highlight so many shortcomings, and where green makeup wasn’t necessary.

But if we are to believe Tony Stark’s desktop display, there’s a “Captain America XXX” coming up. Now that I’ve seen two less-than-impressive outings from Extreme Comixxx, I respectfully request to be s.h.i.e.l.d.ed from the next one.

• Buy “Iron Man XXX” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: We don’t need another “Justice League of Pornstar Heroes”
See also: Extreme Comixxx