The trap I fall into in this dubious profession is that I’ll watch a parody like this one, which wasn’t particularly well-executed, and then empirically determine that parodies are useless, even though there are definitely good ones (and from this same company). But then, if I’m not careful, I will then spiral into the feeling that reviewing porn movies is pointless.
And that can’t be true, can it? CAN IT?!
Studio: Exquisite Films
Director: Jordan Septo
Starring: Chanel Preston, Kagney Linn Karter, Lea Lexis, Gracie Glam, Dani Daniels, Nicole Aniston, Lee Stone, Anthony Rosano, Danny Mountain, Derrick Pierce, Evan Stone
Lara Croft (Chanel Preston), like any beautiful woman, has no friends, just potential betrayers. The adventurer must fuck her way through danger, as well as India, Peru, and the American Southwest in this parody that is about as exciting as the source material.
Perhaps it should have occurred to Lara Croft that her client, Larson (Lee Stone) was not on the up and up when, instead of handing her the cash, he just dropped piles of it on her Calcutta hotel room floor. Then again, maybe he thought that a woman who talks on speakerphone but still wears a headpiece or who wears the same outfit to meet clients as she does to rappel down mountainsides might not know from social graces.
Then again, since Croft seals the deal with more than a handshake, perhaps we shouldn’t stand on ceremony.
I may be wrong, but I think women desire Angelina Jolie much more than men do; she is devastatingly attractive in that way women like but that men quickly tire of, since there’s no payoff.
Luckily, with Chanel Preston, there is only payoff.
Preston and Stone fuck while her boots and socks are still on, like she’s a male porn star from the 1970s.
As Croft learns that there are forces arrayed against her, she takes comfort in Gracie Glam and Dani Daniels in harem pants.
“I don’t know if it’s the desert heat or the fact that you saved my life,” she says, “but I find myself strangely attracted to the two of you.”
Either that, or the script called for a G/G/G scene.
Meanwhile, we learn that the artifact Stone is sending her to find is in fact a trap, and that Stone and a network of other financiers and adventurers are working to thwart her, including curiously-accented Pierre (Derrick Pierce) and his loyalty-testing and juicy boss (Lea Lexis).
(What I’m saying is that Lea Lexis tests Pierce’s loyalty by fucking him.)
It also turns out that Lexis is some kind of Immortal, but she is taken care of in a way reminiscent of “Jaws.”
In a Hollywood movie, as unsatisfying as that scene was, any reasonable person would recognize it as the climax — Croft defeats her ultimate nemesis. Since it is a porn movie, however, a final scene (satisfying the 5-scene requirement) is tacked on between Anthony Rosano, who plays Croft’s stateside-but-always-in-phone-contact (except for one scene where Rosano’s voice is clearly replaced by someone else’s) partner, and Nicole Aniston.
This is one of those movies where I wish that the money for the script, special effects, and locations had just been sent to me; I could have used it to fund various Kickstarter campaigns, and maybe treated myself to a nice lunch. Then, all that would be left would be great sex scenes with beautiful women, unencumbered of meeting any expectations but fucking to the best of their ability.
Instead, “Tomb Raider” suffers from an unexciting script and special effects that reveal the limitations of its budget. “Training Day XXX” worked within its boundaries a lot better.
Buy “Tomb Raider XXX” here