Janessa Jordan Just Wishes It Were You

By the way she says “cock,” I know Janessa Jordan isn’t from around here. “That cock all nice and slippery for me?” the Vancouver resident says, probably imagining cock-slipperization activities like hockey-playing, portaging, finding the Northwest Passage, or looking at her naked.

janessa7The odd thing about “MILF’s And Their Toys 7” (other than the unnecessary apostrophe in the title that no real mom would let get by, but we’re adults here, even if our grammar doesn’t reflect it, and we don’t kid ourselves that we’re here for the grammar) is that each of the titular milves addresses the item she’s about to put into herself as if it were a proxy for us.

“I feel like fucking your big cock today,” says Jordan. But I am not around, so she puts a series of ridiculous things into herself.

It is a comforting feeling. I imagine that she’s up in chilly Vancouver, but here I am, legally enjoined from ever setting foot in Canada again, because of the gleaming alloy air-car I used to terrorize Geddy Lee’s Red Barchetta. So she needs to fuck something.

It’s when she tags out for the big black dildo that I suddenyl don;t feel so special anymore.

“Stretch that fucking pussy,” she says, looking right at the camera, but I no longer think she’s talking to me.

I probably sound like a broken record (and let’s just say that record is Rush’s “Moving Pictures”), but at no time does Janessa Jordan—supposed MILF—ever say anything like “My pussy is ready for your girth because I’ve given birth to several children” or “Better hide all this lingerie and these heels and this huge fucking black dildo before my kids get home,” so you’re just going to have to take it on faith that she’s a MILF at all.

Buy “MILF’s And Their Toys 7” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Do “Mommies Gone Bad” include women who’ve never given birth?
See also: Digital Sin

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

1 Comment

  1. ‘ “Stretch that fucking pussy,” she says, looking right at the camera, but I no longer think she’s talking to me.’
    I know them feels, brah.

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