“Jurassic Jaws” or: Why porn parodies haven’t killed me

I was at a performing arts camp in 1995. “Jurassic Park” had come out a few years before, and the music teacher, a woman with Big Ideas, showed up with this ensemble piece, expecting us to sing it.

“And we’re going to use Choralography^TM,” she said, “so we’ll be adding little movements to it!”

The song was “Jaws of the Jurassic,” written by Teresa Jennings and released by Plank Road Publishing. I realize now that it prepared me for porn.

“Jaws of the Jurassic”
Lyrics by Teresa Jennings

From the mist of an ancient world.
From the depths, comes a mystery.
Captured only by time, only by time.
From the dark comes an ancient fear.
From the eyes of the predators.
Captured only by time, only by time.

From the still when the world has calmed
From the shadows comes uncertainty.
Moving only in time, only in time.

Watch out! Beware! Jurassic jaws are there.
Watch out! Beware! They have no mercy.
Watch out! Beware! Jurassic jaws don’t care.
You will get no sympathy.

Oh, the jaws of the Jurassic
Oh, the jaws of the Jurassic.
Oh, Oh.

From the night, standing motionless.
From the fear, all are mesmerized.
Shaken only by time, only by time.
From the earth comes the ancient cry.
From the past, comes the destiny.
Altered only by time, only by time.

Watch out! Beware! Jurassic jaws are there.
Watch out! Beware! They have no mercy.
Watch out! Beware! Jurassic jaws don’t care.
You will get no sympathy.

Watch out! Beware! Jurassic jaws are there.
Watch out! Beware! They have no mercy.
Watch out! Beware! Jurassic jaws don’t care.
You will get no sympathy.

“This is awful,” I said. The camp was halfway up a mountain, so it wasn’t like I could leave. “It will be embarrassing to sing it.”

“I’ve taught this at three other schools,” the music teacher said, “and everybody loves it.”

“Everybody is stupid,” I thought miserably.

Two decades later I would be having the same discussions with porn directors.

“Don’t tell me it’s on the top of AVN’s sales charts; I know about AVN’s sales charts. Don’t send me some review from some blog by some idiot.”

“Jaws of the Jurassic” capitalized on “Jurassic Park” as nakedly and half-assedly as a porn parody of, say, “Airplane” or “Pan-Am,” knowing that no one required it to be good.

“No kidding ‘Jurassic Jaws don’t care,'” I said, staring at the text. “They’re bones. A jaw can’t care.”

“It’s no big deal,” my little girlfriend said. “It’s cool we get to sing about dinosaurs!”

“But from whose point of view is the song?” I said. “Humans and dinosaurs didn’t exist at the same time,” —I’d just found that out—”so who is supposed to be mesmerized by the fear?”

“Other dinosaurs,” she said.

“And are we saying ‘Watch Out: Beware!’ to the other dinosaurs?” I said.

“I don’t know.”

Years later I was reviewing the “Roseanne” parody. The boxcover read: The 80’s lost their innocence but not their sense of humor.

“That’s so stupid,” I thought.

“But it’s porn,” my little girlfriend (a different one this time) said.

I have always known that holding up pornography or glee club sheet music to my rigid and self-righteous scrutiny is an insufferably bad habit whose severity is not lessened by the fact that I’m paid for it.

From the past comes the destiny.

Standing on the highest bleacher at the End of Summer party, I joined the other campers in singing “Jaws of the Jurassic.” I was ashamed to be snapping my hands like teeth to the ‘Captured only in time’ and pointing behind the audience for the ‘Watch out!’

I imagined the parents were uncomfortable with the ridiculous, obvious, and unlicensed co-opting of someone else’s work for people (us) who didn’t know any better. Instead, they clapped and clapped.

“It’s camp,” my little girlfriend said.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Roseanne XXX; This Ain’t the Flintsones XXX