Laura Doone, hair pie Or: Hairetics of Doone

Item: Penthouse® Pet Collection Laura Doone 1974 Hairy Vibrating CyberSkin® Pussy

Laura Doone was Penthouse’s Pet of the Month in October, 1974 and was later voted Pet of the Year. I’m sure her lush but orderly triangle of pubic hair had something to do with the decision – after all, it wasn’t patchy or littered with cigarette butts and chicken – but it is clear to me 35 years later that it was more about her full breasts and mane of blow-dried brunette hair.

Notice how I didn’t say “full, natural breasts.” The term “all-natural” as it now applies to people like Sunny Lane wasn’t invented yet.

The company Topco has released a replica of Ms. Doone’s vagina as it looked in the October ’74 Penthouse issue. This mound of Doone is essentially one of their stock vaginas (which is not how I refer to the ladies in my swingers’ commune) with hair on it.

The UPS driver who delivered it commented how hot it was outside. When I opened the box, the Cyberskin was still warm. It was as if it were a pie – a hair pie – slowly cooling in my hand.

I am not a trendy person. When Sasha Grey and others reinvigorated – simply by not shaving – the 70’s pubes look, I and mine stayed behind. Like the horror of imagining life before the Internet, I did not want to return to the days of removing stray pubes from my teeth with a toothbrush days later.

Q. But Grams, would Laura Doone have retained her beauty had she done the unthinkable in 1974 by shaving her pubes?
A. Absolutely. And it’s not as if her desirability is lessened by her bush in these photos; it’s just that modern science can make her even better.

Speaking of science, the disembodied hairy Doonevadge reminded me of Paul Verhoeven’s Brain Bug in the 1997 film “Starship Troopers,” which featured Michael Ironside yelling “Do you want to live forever?”

I will admit that the thought of fucking this piece of history is a little like living forever, and a little like fucking a pie, and a little like the Lorna Doone cookies I used to eat in school, but the combination of these thoughts is still not enough to compel me to put my penis in this thing.

But I’m not saying you shouldn’t. You were always into the classics.

See also: Topco Sales

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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