My feeling is this: if I had a seven-foot penis, I would probably show a little more affect than “Dick,” the guy who invented it in the snows of Minnesota.
I met Dick and the Bucking Penis at the Adult Entertainment Expo, and he explained that his creation had once been a fixture at the Buffalo Chip in Sturgis, where my elite squadron of nude 18-year-old Ukrainian prostitute/bikers rides at that city’s annual motorcycle rally.
“But they outlawed nudity at the Buffalo Chip,” said Dick, sadly.
“The Buffalo Chip?” I didn’t say. “You know, I was coming back from a motorcycle classic in Sturgis, South Dakota, on my motorcycle on U.S. Highway 14. Just outside Spotted Horse, I ran into a deer. I had no chance. Even though the highway people had mowed the sides, they couldn’t mow around the culverts, and the doe jumped right in front of the bike. I had a chance to say one word, “Fuck!”, and then I hit it. I know this: If a bullet has my name on it, I won’t be calling for my mother. But the only reason I’m alive and telling this story, is because of the big FL front end and that solid tire on my Fat Boy.”
The Bucking Penis drew a crowd at the AEE and women had to sign a waiver in order to get on it, much like they do when they get on me (because I might read them my poetry). It is stationed in the middle of an inflatable arena like those found at Chuck E. Cheese, and there is a spout at the end of the penis (I’m sure you can guess at which end) that can be made to shoot water at the crowd (although, by the point one is in a venue that features a bucking penis, the spout may as well just shoot hollow-point bullets and be done with it).
While the inventor himself didn’t seem too happy to be there (see video), he did say that he can bring his seven-foot penis to you, if you haven’t outlawed nudity yourself. I wonder if he’s been by John Travolta’s house?
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Cheyenne Hunter-The Loneliness of the long-distance biker/MILF
See also: The Bucking Penis
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