How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love the Lesbian Apocalypse: “The Turning”

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Studio: Girlsway
Directors: Stills by Alan, Bree Mills
Starring: Adriana Chechik, Anikka Albrite, Dana Vespoli, Jelena Jenson, Mercedes Carrera, Tara Morgan

A version of this review also appears on Gamelink’s Naked Truth.

There’s so many apocalypse movies out lately, but this is the first concerning lesbians. It’s about time.

Poor Haley White (Adriana Chechik) is in the weird position of being both a hated foster daughter and a goth student at a Christian college. What a strange year in which the paperwork affirming that she’s 18 hasn’t made it to her stepfamily yet but she’s also a high school graduate! When her stepmom (Dana Vespoli) unilaterally decides that Haley will arrange the bachelorette party for her evil stepsister Sarah (Anikka Albrite), Haley considers offing herself and, of course, goes to a lesbo suicide prevention counselor (Mercedes Carrera). This is a ridiculous and sexy movie that makes me forget about the lesbians I met at the post office.

It is hard to understand how Haley wound up in this family and how she has such odd resources available to her, since she barely got her G.E.D. But when Carrera starts talking about Tantric sex as a salve for her ills, well, our disbelief is suspended like Chechik’s twin boobs over her root chakra.

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Meanwhile, a disease is spreading throughout Los Angeles and surrounding counties “that only affects the Ladies.”

After their encounter, Counselor Hippy recommends a holistic wellness retreat for the bachelorette party Haley must plan, but it turns out the Counselor has infected Haley with Lesbian Virus!!

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It’s pretty much just a matter of time before Haley passes on the disease to her stepmom (who, let’s face it, probably had a recessive gene in there somewhere — she comes down with it pretty quickly). It is fun to watch Chechik prowl around the house all stupefied with vampire lesbianism.

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Well, in very short order the whole bachelorette party is “turned,” and then the whole world, the result of some beverage industry/wiccan/government/softball team experiment in which poor Haley was Patient Zero. Soon, the women of the world are hooked on Dr. Elixor’s Tonic and they just, fuckin’, you know, lesbian each other.

We get to watch Albrite’s Sarah go all Tippi Hendren in her wedding dress except it’s not birds but invisible lesbians, for example.

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“The Turning” is well-shot and juicy. Unlike rickets or smallpox, which ravages the bodies of those it affects, every woman who is Turned was already hot and just gets hotter. Albrite, who was kind of a bitch before, gets fucked right out of her wedding dress. It’s a victimless disease.

“The Turning” is one of those movies that I kinda wish had been the first porn flick I ever saw. It’s silly and non-threatening and full of big characters with no visible scars. In addition, everyone seems game for the Sapphic frivolity, which makes it a great girl-on-girl (-on-girl-on-girl) movie for both men and women, but may be hard to take for people who think homosexuality can’t be a choice or something acquired through a sports drink.

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