“Listen up, Douche-ass”: Rating the “Jersey Shore” porn parodies

Having never seen the MTV reality show “Jersey Shore” and knowing very little about it (I knew there was someone called Snooki and that fist-pumping was employed), I was eager to watch the two recent porn adaptations of the show based on my theory that porn parodies capitalize on lower expectations and wouldn’t make sense on their own.

• “Whorish” is the first thing that comes to mind upon considering both the real and parody “Jersey Shore” ladies, as opposed to “classy” Las Vegas Escorts [paid link].

I watched Taryn Thomas’ “Jersey Shore XXX: A Porn Parody” first.

Studio: Taryn Thomas
Director: Jim Enright
Starring: Taryn Thomas, Veronica Rayne, Angela Aspen, John Espizedo, Johnny Castle, Memphis Blake, Dylan Ryder, TJ Cummings

There is a muffin-topped and overtanned aspect to the women in the Thomas version that brings back fond memories of the sights and smells of Newark. Not only that, but stars Taryn Thomas, Angela Aspen, Memphis Blake, and TJ Cummings also have a trainwreck cluelessness about them that has New Jersey written all over it.

Apparently these people all live in the same house and, judging by the “Real World”-style confessional segments, “Jersey Shore” is a reality show. None of this is explained in the movie.

Thomas, who plays Snooki, has a weird hairdo that is also not explained.

The movie’s most authentic performance is delivered by Angela Aspen, who is a predatory and faux-tanned hot mess. I enjoyed her character because I recognize it in myself.

The movie has the standard number of sex scenes and positions and ends cold with one of them.

The verdict? Taryn Thomas and Angela Aspen look hot and dirty, but I didn’t understand “Jersey Shore XXX,” not only because the characters didn’t make sense but also because the sound was poor and the editing was riddled with cropped lines and at least one instance of the porn industry’s biggest editing gaffe: the Load Delay.

The Load Delay is when the guy is ready to come, pulls out, the woman gets in position to take one in the face, and then … nothing happens for a long time. The very act of pulling out and making the quick transition to a masturbation-based load delivery process is often problematic, as the guy furiously jerks off while the woman kneels there with mouth open and eyes upturned.

It is an easy enough problem to solve if the pulling out requires the dude to work to get the sap rising again: the director cuts to the woman’s (not the man’s – this isn’t the 70’s) face for a moment and then back to the cumshot arcing gracefully in ropey volleys^TM all over her chest and neck or, if this is the dude’s first scene this week, straight into her eye; the viewer has been tricked into thinking that not much time has elapsed, even if, in reality, the male talent had to stop, inject something, get fluffed, or be taken away in an ambulance.

• Buy “Jersey Shore XXX” here

Studio: Zero Tolerance
Director:Brian Bangs, Spock Buckton
Starring: James Deen, Kristina Rose, Rocco Reed, Lexi Love, Mikey Butders, Sara Sloane, Anthony Rosano, Anne Marie Rios, Kagney Linn Karter, Lisa Ann, Mark Wood, Mick Blue, Tommy Gunn

Zero Tolerance’s “Official Jersey Shore Parody,” by comparison, is both a zesty piece of pornography and a well-scripted and acted spoof that I have a feeling is probably better than the show it parodies, much like last year’s “Not Married with Children XXX.”

Here it all makes sense. We see Guidos Mikey Butders and Anthony Rosano in a believably homoerotic fist-pump-off before being interrupted by Lexi Love and Kristina Rose as Snooki who quickly establishes herself as the group skank.

Throughout the movie Rose delivers her lines with eagerness and despair, the bar girl who tries so hard that she actually manages to turn drunk men off. In one scene she cartwheels, bottomless, into a room before asking to be tag-teamed. Her dry period becomes the movie’s B-story.

Butders is excellent. He is the first to drop the Jersey “h” when he says to Lexi Love, “I’m gonna put my fuckin’ babies in your troat.”

Bromance resurfaces when the delicious (and pantswetting) Sara Sloane is caught between one Pauly (James Deen) and her boyfriend Paulie (“It’s silent,” she says).

Paulie is intrigued with Pauly’s hair gel, even though the latter is put out because his “spaghets” dinner is interrupted. He locks Paulie into a bathroom with the in-heat Snooki and proceeds to fuck Sloane.

“Listen up, douche-ass,” says Pauly through the locked door. “I’m going to cuckold you.”

In her confessional, Snooki admits that she “can’t get any juicy men in my love gash.”

“Official Jersey Shore” doesn’t shy away from the man-love, as Butders and Rocco Reed crush on Tommy Gunn – whpo repeatedly slaps them – before he tells them how to be pussy crushers.

This yields another excellent line as Butders and Reed try out their newfound skills on Kagney Linnj Karter:

“My friend just got out of jail,” Reed says.

“What for?” says the KLK.

“For not tag-teaming the fuck out of you,” says Reed.

In a bit of inspired casting, Lisa Ann plays a contextual MILF in that she inhabits the role of Snooki’s mother who is fucked by her daughter’s contemporaries in the final scene, which actually ties up an established storyline.

“Lick my baby’s pussy,” demands Lisa Ann of Rosano, “you musclebound gammabezoop.”*

Of the two movies I thought “Official Jersey Shore Parody” stood out best on its own, featuring excellent performances from most of the cast, especially Rose and Butders.

• Buy “Official Jersey Shore Parody” here

*I will send my review copies of both of these movies to the first person to send me a verifiably correct spelling of “gammabezoop.”

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: The Great Garden State Porn Experiment