Maybe Jessica Bangkok can’t play the piano, Amy Chua, but she knows how to live

While academically lazy, Jessica Bangkok demonstrates a scholarship and mastery of marital arts that would doubtless impress “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” author Amy Chua. Chua has come under fire recently for her yet-to-be-published treatise on Chinese parenting, which to many Westerners seems harsh and unloving. In “Love Me Long Time” (you can see where this is going), Billy Glide plays the exasperated tutor of Jessica Bangkok, who just can’t seem to concentrate on her studies. Why? “Because,” Bangkok says, “(I heard) you have a big cock.” Well, every teacher from Sting to Jeff Daniels’ character in “Terms of Endearment” to whatever Garp’s wife’s name was (I’m not going to look it up—do I look Chinese to you?) can tell you that you shouldn’t pluck the low-hanging fruit that is a besotted student. But how does Billy Glide reply when Bangkok says, “I want to see it”? “Well, if it will help you concentrate.” Am I saying Billy Glide would have been a better Chinese mom? Am I saying that Bangkok might be among the six percent of Thai nationals that are ethnically Chinese? Would I rather watch her play piano or violin than what she does in this video? No. God No.