Nailin’ Paylin for America

If Barack Obama had hot daughters of legal age and if Michelle Obama were thicker, would Hustler be speed-releasing a movie called “Baby Got Barack”? Probably not. But in a production cycle with unprecedented turnaround, Who’s Nailin’ Paylin: Advetures of a Hockey MILF, was written, cast, and filmed in two weeks and will be released, at first piecemeal on Hustler’s website and then as a DVD by Election Day.

“Other projects are on hold while we do this,” a Hustler spokesperson said, “and we’re getting the DVDs turned around in a week instead of our usual two.”

Even in that period when everyone realized how effective Bill Clinton really was (this lasted from George W. Bush’s inauguration though the outpouring of support following Clinton’s heart surgery through his triumphant speech at John Kerry’s nomination until when, in helping to manage Hillary’s presidential bid, people remembered how shrewish Clinton could be) there was still a time during Lewinskygate when the nation thought of Clinton as an embarrassment and yet a porn retelling of the cigar/blue dress affair never would have happened.

Why? Two reasons.

1.) Porn Valley considers itself very liberal. In the explosion of the porn industry during the Clinton administration, which did comparatively little to prosecute adult businesses next to the regimes of Ronald Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II, porn experienced its second Golden Age. Both the video and Internet realms of porn flourished, even as the seeds of the video side’s destruction were sewn as moviemakers increasingly undersold their content for easy money and neglected to institute anti-piracy safeguards.

And one got the opinion that Clinton had tried most of the positions. So a Lewinsky porn might be too “on the nose.”

2.) During the Clinton Administration, there was less of a need for gimmicks to sell porn. A decade later, the adult world needs every gimmick it can get.

This weekend Hustler shot Paylin, a movie with a better script than most and a cast that includes veteran pornstress Lisa Ann as “Serra Paylin” (“[Hustler attorney Paul Cambria] suggested we change the names,” the Hustler publicist said), Nina Hartley as “Hilly,” Jada Fire as “Condi,” and Mike Horner as “Bill Orally.” Sindee Jennings plays young Serra. In a scene from a classroom at Idaho State, Young Serra gets extra points from her professor (Evan Stone) for agreeing that Satan placed dinosaur fossils on the earth to trick us.

As Paylin, Lisa Ann, 36, has a lot of dialogue in a script written by Roger Krypton.

SERRA

It’s about change. The kind of change that affects things and causes them to morph into something different. Something magical. But not Doug Henning’s magic from the 70’s. More like a cross between David Blaine’s street magic, and that over the top Cris Angel magic with all of it’s wispy flourishes and melodramatic claims.

In other words you won’t see this humble governor from Alaska hanging upside down for 70 hours. But what you will see is the kind of hard hitting policy that will allow an ordinary cigarette to pass through the center of a quarter. I hope I’ve cleared things up for the American people and look forward to a twelve year term in the White House. Thank you, and God bless America.

With a 17-page script, one of Paylin’s monologues has more words than the entirety of most porn movies. This is another change from the Clinton era, when Lisa Ann began performing.

“There was a lot more dialogue then,” she said on the Paylin set. “And I was one of just a few girls – compared to now – working.”

Lisa Ann thinks that Paylin will have a cultural impact.

“It’s obvious who I’m voting for – Obama,” she said. “But I wouldn’t have done this movie for anyone else but Larry Flynt. He has done so much to fight for the First Amendment – and suffered so much – that I couldn’t think of doing this for any other studio.”

The typical porn movie is shot in a day or two, edited for a week, and its DVD replicated and its boxcover designed over the next three weeks. Then it is put on a release schedule that might see it appearing on shelves three months later.

“I got a call on October 1 that they were thinking of doing this movie,” Lisa Ann said. “On the third I was told we were definitely doing it, and I started ordering suits online.”

I asked why she ordered her own suits.

“Well, I don’t want to trust anyone else to alter them,” she said. “I can sew, and I hem things on my own. I didn’t want to drop them off somewhere and be at their mercy.”

The sense of urgency to get this movie out on time is shared by everyone. The man charged with editing the Paylin movie, Sterling, picked up the still-warm DV tapes when production wrapped last night and will be editing them for the next several days. According to Richard Ford, Internet Product Manager for Hustler.com and BarelyLegal.com, the first scene (between Paylin and two interloping Russian soldiers in Alaska) will be available online Friday.

“DVDs are dying, and we have to adapt and really sell this one,” he said.

UPDATE:
Ford writes to clarify the quote:
“As far as the quote ‘DVDs are dying’ I was referring to porn DVDs in general and not the Who’s Nailin DVD specifically. I’m sure we will sell a lot of WNP DVDs. We had tons of preorders before the shoot! Had to make up a fake box cover so we could take orders. That’s a first.

I actually think that high quality porn and mainstream movies will be on DVD for quite some time. Just as music consumers still buy significant quantities of CDs, there will be a market segment that buys DVDs because they don’t like watching entertainment on a computer or they prefer the hands on shopping experience, There are also people who refuse to use iPods or MP3 players because the quality is noticeably lower. Currently movies delivered over the Internet, or even cable for that matter, don’t look as good as movies on DVD. My comment was attempting to draw an analogy to the music business where only the largest companies make money selling physical product. Being at the top of the Billboard charts is still quite lucrative. Hustler is a big company in the space with a lot of marketing experience. It’s not my call of course but I predict we’ll be selling DVDs for a long time. Now as far as other companies go, if your company has been putting out poorly shot, badly written, generic DVDs without real marketing well, you don’t need to read an article telling you business is dead because you’re already gone.”
/UPDATE

Part of the selling includes “leaking” the script. If this is your first opportunity to read a porn script, you are in for a treat. Much of Porn Valley’s technical jargon is contained herein in a format familiar to anyone who has read a Hollywood screenplay (and no, I didn’t write it). You can read it online here.

Tuesdays have for years been the days that porn videos are released, or “streeted,” to stores. Since Election Day is Tuesday, November 4, the Hustler publicist said that the company is streeting the movie that day, or in a third of the time it usually takes.

“When we decided we could do it in terms of time,” the publicist said, “we even thought we might get it out a few days before Election Day, or maybe even the week before. But that’s if nothing fucks up.”

Director Jerome Tanner was in an unusually sunny mood on the set Sunday. The set, constructed within an interconnected warren of three different buildings off Canoga Blvd. in the northwest Valley, contained Paylin’s podium, a greenscreen studio for still photos, the Idaho State classroom, and the snowmobile dealership where Paylin would commit an infidelity with her husband’s business partner (Lee Stone).

Tanner is a veteran porn director whose wife and son also work with him as production manager and cameraman, respectively. He comes from a time when no press was allowed on porn sets to this weekend, when at least ten adult and mainstream “news” outlets covered the event (but none so well as me, because I am a goddamn genius).

“Just sit there, Evan,” Tanner says to Evan Stone as Sindee Jennings leaves the classroom set to have her tattoo powdered. Stone and Jennings have just had an extended dialogue scene which ended, inevitably, with the future politician fellating him. But now he is left to sit on a desk, literally with his dick in his hand, as the young Republican’s pubococcygeal tat is obfuscated in keeping with her character.

Evan Stone has probably appeared in one out of every five major studio porn movies in the past few years. I see him everywhere. He was just at the premiere of Pirates 2, which had the largest budget for a porn film of any movie since its 2005 predecessor (no one has come forward with a figure that agreed with anyone else’s figure, so I won’t perjure myself. But the budget is likely more than $350,000). Paylin will probably come in for $40-$50k and its window to make that money back drops precipitously after November 4.

Stone is a rascal.

“Do you ever sleep?” I asked.

“Why, do you want to take a nap?” he said.

Later, the female publicist walked in. He was still holding himself.

“Sit over here,” he said. “Just kiss the tip. Please.” (She declined, I think, because I had a camera.)

Then a male production assistant joined us. Stone was still sitting pantsless on the desk.

“Keeping hard?” the P.A. asked.

“Just keep talking and I will,” Stone said.

During the previous scene, Stone and Jennings repeated their dialogue three different times for different camera angles. Each time, Stone changed his lines a little. Once he said “Thunder Lizards,” then he said “dinosaurs,” and finally he said “Tyrannosaurus Maximus.” This would be difficult for a director of a mainstream movie, but Tanner did not care. So Stone gets to indulge his muse as an artist.

Jennings is 22 and has been made up to look like a younger Sarah Palin, rather than a younger Lisa Ann. After leaving her native Texas, Jennings has been in the porn business for two years and is particularly famous for “squirting,” the oft-disputed female money shot, which some adherents call female ejaculation and others dismiss as really convenient urination. As Young Serra, she winks at the camera and demands Stone “drill me.”

Out by the hot food table and seated near a truck filled with lighting equipment, Lisa Ann smokes a cigarette and rehearses her lines. She has one more scene today, in which she avoids questions about her infidelities and engages in a three-way with Hilly and Condi.

“This movie is going to be part of history,” she said. “I’m going to buy a bunch of copies just to keep.”

I asked her if she thought that this was a dangerous movie.

“I’m keeping a couple of extra security people around,” she said. “People are crazy. But I wouldn’t not do it.”

Lisa Ann left porn several years ago and has returned now that MILF movies are popular. But she devotes most of her time to her new porn talent agency, Lisa Ann Talent.

We talked about the possible market for this movie. I suggested that a lot of people who were vocally against porn would at least statistically have to be closet fans.

“I’m from Pennsylvania,” she said, “and porn fans come out of the woodwork when I go back east.”

As with her sewing, Lisa Ann embraces traditional values.

“The lady who taught me to sew, Peggy, is 97 years old and I still writes letters to her,” she said.

Longhand?

“Yes. I try to write all my friends a little note now and then. Getting letters in the mail instead of just bills is a great way to stay in touch.”

Lisa Ann said she has done more than 100 radio interviews since she took the role of Serra Paylin, and she has “been on TMZ twice.”

Like the Presidential (or Vice Presidential) debates, I doubt the release of Who’s Nailin’ Paylin? will change anyone’s mind about their choice of candidate on November 4. But most people on set agreed that the movie was, in its way, a political statement. While a fair and balanced subplot could have included Lexington Steele as Barack Obama (or, more likely, James Deen in blackface), instead the lone Democratic target of porn scorn was Hilly.

Because Hillary Clinton’s style of feminism seems, to the Porno-American community, dangerously close to Sarah Palin’s style of idiot fundamentalism.

But if you think solid American values have no place in the world of pornography, you’re wrong. Corporate porn firms like Hustler are every bit as capitalist as a Fortune 500 company and, unlike them, is not in debt up to its eyeballs to failing banks. Because no porn company could ever go to a bank to finance its fisting opus, most adult companies are either poor or flush, but not in debt. Because who gives a porn company a loan?

Richard de Montfort is Hustler’s resident still photographer (though he occasionallly directs hardcore videos like Strollin’ in the Colon). He is prepping Lisa Ann for a series of photos that may or may not go on the boxcover. In front of the greenscreen she props her foot on a box that will later be Photoshopped away and be replaced with a dead moose (“I’d field-dress her moose any day,” said the enigmatic Larry Flynt).

After a cycle of photos with her business suit slowly coming off, Lisa Ann disrobes and puts on an American flag, wrapping it around herself, letting it fall seductively, etc.

“Can you cup your ass with it?” de Montfort asks and, pro that she is, Lisa Ann does.

“Just don’t let the flag touch the floor,” de Montfort says, and Lisa Ann doesn’t.

See the Who’s Nailin’ Paylin? Adventures of a Hockey MILF gallery here.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Democrats do in a pinch; Today in porn swag; Stuffed? I’m Stayin’!
See also: Hustler

5 thoughts on “Nailin’ Paylin for America

  1. I do believe I want to see this movie. That monologue made me laugh out loud in its frightening accuracy.

    Besides – Lisa Ann, despite the (bad) boob job, is fun to watch.

  2. Pingback: Sarah Palin continues to be drilled or: The Devine Sarah Paelin | Porn Valley Observed con Gram Ponante

  3. Pingback: Palin in comparison: Raquel Devine ups the ante in Rode to the White House | Porn Valley Observed con Gram Ponante

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *