Each night, when the ghost of anti-porn intellectual Andrea Dworkin pickets Gram Ponante Towers, Helipad, Wildlife Sanctuary, Hanging Gardens, Jackboot Resoler, and Merkin Mart, she leaves behind pamphlets that read “Pornography Promotes Unrealistic Depictions of Women.” Luckily I’ve already gone home.
And I agree with her. But I have a huge and abiding love for unreality.
“She’s Barely A MILF,” however, strains my limits.
The idea that cover girl Faye Reagan is pregnant or has had a child (her scene’s backstory reveals that her boyfriend has knocked her up and she’s “just 19”) forces an immediate redefinition of the word MILF.
To be clear: You cannot be a MILF unless you have given birth. Not given birth to an idea, but given birth to a child. You cannot be a MILF if you are pregnant (unless the pregnancy happens to be when you are adding to a family you have already contributed spawn to).
Of all the women in this movie, Reagan looks the least like she will ever have children. Yet Hustler chose to put her on the boxcover.
Everyone else – Gwen Diamond, Kira Silver, Patricia Petite, Starla Sterling – looks like she could have possibly given birth at some time and then winningly returned to her pre-motherhood shape through hard work, exercise, and prayer.
But with Reagan so prominent on the cover, are actual milves across America supposed to think that Hustler demands that mothers look like Reagan in order for me to want to fuck them (because, as you know, MILF stands for Mother I’d Like to Fuck)?
Hustler might defend itself by saying “No, no, no, Grams – by ‘barely a MILF’ we mean that she just learned that she is pregnant – she’s not really showing yet.”
So wait a minute – we are supposed to take these women at their word? Does that mean that Hustler can rename every one of its Ghetto Bootys as an Asian or Latina title just by having the performers say they love me long time, Papi?
And the “barely” is especially problematic. Consider this syllogism:
1. If a MILF is created when a baby exits her body (and I still want to fuck her), and
2. If Hustler defines “barely” as “not yet,” then:
3. Every “Barely Legal” had better get a Traci Lords-level recall, pronto.
But I, as always, have a solution. My seed is powerful, long-lasting, and 100 percent effective. I will make these women milves if the heat comes down.
- See a “She’s Barely A MILF” gallery here
- Buy “She’s Barely A MILF” now
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Porn industry making strides in milf compliance, but still unsure about cougars; Porn Valley goes Hollywood in annual tradition; Sex on the nest with Nina Hartley
See also: Hustler
I said it on Fleshbot, and I’ll say it here: No.
That is all.
Yea, they are getting a little too liberal with the term MILF. It seems like every piece of content is getting a dual label to cover the MILF niche. I’m not saying I like them busted out, but they should look like mothers!