Nina and Kylie’s Perfect Orgy: your mileage may vary

In the same way that the characters in “Friends” couldn’t possibly have afforded the Manhattan apartments they lived in, when Nina Hartley and Kylie Ireland lay down tips for the perfect orgy in Hartley’s latest Adam & Eve instructional video, the viewer should understand that Lorelei Lee, Adrianna Nicole, and Annette Schwarz aren’t going to show up.

For example, we had an orgy up to Gram Ponante Towers, Salmon Hatchery, Helipad, Clambake, International Space Station, and Offshore Drilling Platform the other night and these are the people who attended:

• Some Cockney fishwives
• A guy named Armo
• Ready-for-anything ladies from the burn unit
• Star World Modeling
• Dragon Talent
• Your mom
• The St. Petersburg cast of “Rent”
• The support team for Windows NT 3.51
• Mr. Belding
• Lord Master Damien

So, you know, just manage your expectations.

And if you replace Annette Schwarz’ face with that of that game barrista from the La Canada Starbucks your orgy will be OK.

I asked the fantastic Kylie Ireland if she really throws orgies like the one in the video. The answer is No, her orgies are better.

“Nina and I basically just shared our experiences from our lives while making this ‘Guide’,” she said. “We have both put together orgies in our personal lives and have learned what works and doesn’t and we share this knowledge along with some great real-life stories.”

Someone like Kylie doesn’t have an Armo story.

Previously: Nothin’ but a Gangsta Orgy; Nina Hartley’s Guide to Female Ejaculation; Bryn Pryor and Kylie Ireland: Dressing for Success; O: The Power of Submission
See also: Adam & Eve