“Nurses”: When bedside manner is too far away

Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Robby D.
Cast: Jesse Jane, Stoya, Riley Steele, Katsuni, Sasha Grey, Gabriella Fox, Shay Jordan, Shyla Stylez, Jenna Haze, Shawna Lenee, Manuel Ferrara, Evan Stone, Scott Nails, Erik Everhard, Tony T., Mr. Pete, James Deen, Tommy Gunn, Danny Mountain, Johnny Sins

What kind of hospital is this?

A short time ago Digital Playground realized that they needn’t stray very far from the archetypically “naughty” professions, like Babysitters and Nurses, to be successful, thus landing off-year hits in between bouts of “Pirates.”

DP’s contract star class of 2008 anchors a cast of saucy candy stripers and nurses’ aides in this lite feature written and directed by Robby D., in which each Digital Playground girl plays to her persona in a hospital where no one ever gets any older, and no one ever dies.

Katsuni is the severe head nurse (she later proves this on Erik Everhard’s head) at what appears to be Cleavage Hospital of St. Thong. The patients are all in constant need of sponge baths (James Deen), relief of priapism (Tommy Gunn), ass-obstruction removal (Evan Stone), and nurses to bend over and get things for them (Everhard).

While there is a flimsy story arc about Riley Steele never doing anything right (she would play Ringo if Digital Playground ever did “A Really Hard Day’s Night”) and Everhard never getting any, the beauty of “Nurses” is in the little bits of business and funny dialogue in between the sex.

Nurse Jane (or June, depending on the continuity), for example, poses for snapshots and hands out 8 x 10s of herself (“I had to take off all my clothes and pose in a magazine before I got popular,” she says to sad sack Riley Steele, “so hang in there”), erstwhile contract girl Shay Jordan plays a shocked ingenue who nevertheless adapts to the special services the hospital provides, and candy striper Haze can relate to Evan Stone’s need to put things in his ass.

“I like all kinds of dicks in my ass,” she says. “Big dicks, small dicks, dicks with hats, dicks with veins…objects, too.”

She talks and talks as Stone’s eyes glaze over (this is real acting) but she finally wakes him up when she says, “Wanna see how tight all my holes are, Mr. Stone?”

“Let’s start with this one,” Stone says, putting his Haze-ass-tipped fingers in her mouth, “This seems to be open quite a bit.”

On another ward, Stoya is prepping James Deen for a different kind of discharge. Her face is so sweet and expressive that I am glad that traveling Greek theatre companies didn’t snatch her up before porn did.

Meanwhile, the frank Sasha Grey serves as the hospital’s sperm bank coordinator. First-time donor Tony T. explains that he has been wasting a lot of sperm lately.

“Oh, there’ll be no wasting here,” she says, “even if I have to get it out myself.”

I found this scene to be perfectly cast. Tony T and Mr. Pete buck the porn world’s recent trend of pretty male co-stars. They look like they’d donate sperm. And Grey doesn’t play her character for laughs but instead seems dedicated to her job the way a justice-minded inner city public defender is.

“I have a sponge bath at 3,” Grey tells T. “Do you mind if I help out? Are you sure?”

Unfortunately, Grey accidentally swallows all the sperm the two men have provided. Guess they’ll have to come back.

Katsuni’s icy demeanor melts a little when Shay Jordan asks for her help with a patient. “Can you come with me?” Jordan asks.

“I can come over and over,” Katsuni says.

Tommy Gunn has popped six Viagra, and the two nurses stand pondering his erection between them.

“Zee little blue friend,” Katsuni says. “In my country men would come to my hospital many times for relief of zis problem.”

Patient Everhard finally achieves relief when the nurses punch out for the day and visit him in his room. It is the first time he makes it out of bed the whole movie. The gangbang that ends Disc 2 of “Nurses” is as lighthearted as the rest of the film, and what makes the movie so fun is that we are rooting for everyone in it.

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